I'm at the tail end of three days off from work, trying to do something about this lack of sleep. Best intentions from family members went to naught, useless, and now it's up to me to deal with this myself. The way it should be. The way the pattern always has been.

I still can't sleep, but something is changing. I don't know how I'll handle it once I go back to work, but I get the feeling that this is an ordeal, and when I get through it, I will have transformed. And indeed, something needed to change.

I wouldn't be surprised if the insomnia has been an internal rebellion to the strict habits and schedules I keep falling in. I need to liberate myself from that. I get stuck. And just as I was saying to myself in frustrated exasperation, "Why the hell can't I get to sleep?", my unconscious had been getting sick of this "thing" I've become and was saying to itself in frustrated exasperation, "Why the hell is he stuck in these stupid mundanities?"

My unconsciousness and I need a better way to communicate.

These past few days of no work I've just been relaxing in my sleeplessness, knowing I didn't have to go to work. After lying in a half-daze for the whole of the nights, I think I managed to get some sleep afterwards, in the morning hours.

One idea I had for this time off was to head out of town, go down to Kenting and hang out on the beach for several days if I couldn't sleep. Probably not a good idea, since as exhausted as I was, the last thing I need to try to do was do something. Which is probably why it was a good idea, but my body wasn't convinced.

In an early bid to shake things up, last Friday after work, I met up with band members and crew who were celebrating the singer's girlfriend's birthday. Just meeting up with them was a break from routine. The attempted socialization was a train-wreck, and I'm not sure the foray into drugs was all that wise in that I don't think they effect me the way they do other people. I had to ask what I was supposed to be feeling and still didn't. I didn't notice anything different from alcohol and insomnia.

The day after that I had to work, and when I got to work I only had 2 hours of sleep in over 24 hours, and I thought it was gonna be another meltdown. But before work, going up in the elevator, I told myself that was not going to happen. I was going to keep it together. And I did.

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 5:48 a.m. - nice morning light in a part of town that isn't mine.

6:54 a.m. - up all night with band members and their peeps.