The insomnia is getting marginally better. I still wake up after 2-3 hours, but since the last post, I've been able to get back to sleep for several hours more. I've been forcing myself to relax and have a better attitude about it, and that's helped. Overall quality of life still low, though.

I think my kidneys may finally be feeling the stress of alcoholism. More and more I'm waking up with my lower back aching. And it's not muscular, I know that at least. The pain goes away after I get up. I often felt it after taking sleeping pills, too.

Sometimes it scares me that this is serious and I'm gonna die if I don't turn this around, but then I remember that I want to die. We all have to die, I don't want to avoid it. I really, really don't want to make it to my next birthday, so I should welcome this. If I don't tell people my age, no one would guess how old I really am, which is really funny to me.

I think I want to be more open about my aspiration to die. My life aspiration is to die. Isn't that wonderful? We all have to die, and most people don't want to. I'm guaranteed to get my wish! What's wrong with that? Especially now that I have no current plan or idea of offing myself.

It makes sense, too, with where I am in life. I don't want what other people want. No thought of buying a house, marrying, having children, settling down. I don't want to invest in desire and craving and acquisition, as if the things we pursue are permanent or lead to happiness, or don't ultimately end in death.

As an aspiration, I want death to be at the forefront of my thought process. Whenever I see an attractive person, I immediately look around for someone much older and not as attractive, and I think of them as the same person at different stages at life. I challenge the base attraction by questioning why it doesn't transfer over. If I'm not attracted to the old person, why be attracted to the younger person, the younger person will eventually be there, too.

What a mess my life is. I don't mind it, but I wonder if it could have been different, or if it would have been better if it was.

THURSDAY, JULY 10, 10:23 p.m. - Band stuff. Digital black & white.

MONDAY, JULY 14, 3:57-4:01 p.m. Taipei Arena nice afternoon light and intersection of Dunhua and Civic Blvd.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 10:27 a.m.

THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2:22 a.m. - Garam clove cigarettes from Indonesia.