But I remember the feeling clearly, it was very specific and I recognized it right away and was horrified. I'm hoping this is nothing, but if it comes back . . . I don't know how I'll react, so I won't project. But I think the insomnia did lead to psychotic episodes, and don't preclude them from happening again.
By psychotic episodes, I don't mean going around stabbing people, but being put in such an altered, even deranged state of mind that my responsibility in my actions is questionable. If the insomnia comes back and if there are any incidents at work, I would quit in less than a heartbeat.
Oh yeah, when talking about the "conditions last year" which made work so difficult, can't forget the insomnia . . . or the hiccups! What if the hiccups come back?
My life has no active positive elements, which is to differentiate from passive positive elements, what people generally refer to as "counting our blessings". I generally think of myself as being in excellent health, despite years and years and continuing years of alcohol abuse.
On one hand, yea, it could be worse. On the other hand my "excellent health" is such a cop-out. Year-to-year I get by without major mishaps, but year-to-year it's one single miserable health issue after another. If it's not insomnia or hiccups, it's allergies or stomach problems, digestion problems, skin problems, wrist problems, knee problems, etc.
Nothing that's going to kill me, which would suit me just fine, just little things that annoy the fuck out of me and wish for something that would just kill me. Little things that push that button, but not big enough to put other people on notice that something is up, that something is seriously wrong. Passive positive elements can go fuck themselves. Count my blessings, my ass.
I'm also going to stop talking about moving to Kaohsiung. It is no longer in my plans, even as an option or possibility. I strongly doubt it's going to happen, even more so than an untimely demise (although by now, anytime would be timely).
It's nothing against them, but there's nothing for them, either. I'm here in Taipei, if I'm making enough money to survive, why should I uproot myself and go to that uncertainty. Well, not uncertainty. If it were uncertainty, that's a reason to go, but it's a structured, safe uncertainty which makes it less attractive and ultimately pointless and would enable my laziness.
As much as I like my laziness, I recognize it as something I should try not to encourage.
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| 10:57 p.m. - Empty lot off Sanmin Rd. near where I live. They've paved paradise, might as well put up a parking lot. |
