Angsty nights of indifference in a life in limbo. Something's gotta change, but change is not what my life is about. I don't think. I don't know. One month to fill, still working at the paper, but come May, I'm gone for at least a month, and it's up in the air whether I'll go back. Band had its last gig, and I told them that was it for me.

I bought a new phone after 3 years of my basic US$60 Motorola. It needed charging every other day or less, and finally it dropped out of my pocket and the display went a little janky. It still worked, but that was enough for me to get a cute, new Sony Ericcson Walkman model onto which I immediately added 2GB of Korean and Japanese music that I recently downloaded.

I think I might travel more in Taiwan this month. Head out for a destination on a weekday night, spend a night, explore and shoot during the day, and return that night unless I'm interested enough to stay another night, or to continue on to a next destination. I want to find the meaning of travel. I want to find the sites that form memories of travel, and why you left me, or why I left you.

Maybe stop drinking for a while? I spend almost US$150 on alcohol a month, maybe that could go to travel funds. $150? That's it? Alcohol is relatively cheap here. A bottle of Bacardi is a little more than US$10. It wouldn't surprise me if I drank 14 bottles a month. Sounds about right.

On the other hand, I went to work today not worrying whether I stank of alcohol (because I was pretty sure I didn't), and I let 2 huge mistakes get past me. Even on the final check print out – what was already sent to the printer – I missed them, and fortunately the other person caught them and we fixed them before press. Usually I'm minding his mistakes. I make less mistakes when I'm a bit drunk. A sign of alcoholism, btw.

I didn't drink before work because I've been doing extra long sitting sessions after waking up. I have an audio of Robert Thurman's "Jewel Tree of Tibet", a six session lecture series that I haven't listened to in a while. Before, I spread them out into 12 sessions of 45 minutes of lecture, splitting each in half, but I wanted to try taking in each lecture as a whole, hence 90 minutes after waking up.

Robert Thurman is a professor of Tibetan studies at Columbia University. He's close to the Dalai Lama and spent 5 years in monastic training in the Tibetan tradition, fully ordained for almost 2 of those years. Father of Uma Thurman.

I fade. I don't want meaning in anyone else's lives. I don't have meaning in anyone else's lives, aside from nominal, basic humanitarian compassionate meaning. That nominal meaning they give my life doesn't overcome my impulse not to be here.

I will leave this particular form of my existence. I need to get resolved. Not that anyone else is stopping me, on the contrary it seems they're just waiting, but they need to fade, too. Their existence is just as illusory as mine, all fadeable, and I love them as I love myself, all the while fading.