I don't know if it's my wonky sleeping – alternatively wrangling with insomnia or unable to peel myself off the mattress after over 9 hours – or if it's this rare heatwave we're in, but I don't feel like I'm alive. I'm not living like I'm alive. Time outside my apartment is out of necessity. What kind of life is that?
I don't know if it's officially a heatwave. Taiwan is already such a hot place that I don't know if they register "heatwaves". All I know is that I like hot weather, and it's been particularly brutal even for me.
I'm in full "I'm gonna die soon" mode. Because I can't possibly live that much longer. Come on! What can it possibly be that's keeping me alive? It sure ain't my positive attitude and good looks! But actually I consider it a good thing.
I keep impending death right in front of my nose and that reminds me it's not worth being upset or down about this or that. All of it is construction, so if it's all construction, I can construct that being happy can happen here and now, and isn't dependent on external circumstances.
I'm alright. I'm dead, I'm gonna die, I want to die, but I'm alright.
And I keep it right in front of me that reality itself is enlightenment, is an enlightened state just by its very nature. What else can I ask for? Another 10, 20, 30 years? A house and spouse and cats and rugrats?
But strangely I'm still asking for something.
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| SUNDAY, AUGUST 2 - Maishuai Bridge #2, Keelung riverside park. Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera, Kodak BW400CN. |
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| MONDAY, AUGUST 3 - Alley 50, Lane 251, Nanjing East Road, Sec. 5 |
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