I had to go to Kaohsiung to take care of visa issues for Tibet, in the course of which I had to affirm China's authority, but also forced China to give special treatment to Taiwanese. NB: They can't treat us like Chinese.

Kaohsiung, KMRT station by my uncle's building. Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera, Ilford XP2 Super.

This trip will be training in "losing myself". The relatives I'm going with don't speak English, so I won't be able to speak with anyone the whole trip, which is fine with me as an excuse to constantly listen to music. No decisions made will be mine, I will have no access to information about what's going on or where we're going. Basically, I'll just be floating through the trip and doing what people tell me to do and when. That's all OK; good training.

Shortly after returning from Tibet, my parents are visiting Taiwan. So if the Tibet trip doesn't aggravate me enough, my parents may push me to the breaking point in deciding to finally do something about not wanting to be here anymore. The Tibet trip leads unavoidably into my parents' trip, so all plans are off until after they leave, but can happen immediately afterwards.

As difficult as each day-by-day is getting, I'm not going to get bent out of shape by the delay; just take it as it comes. I'm keeping stress levels in check and watching where I'm abiding so that I can try not to get caught up by negativity.

And even about the negativity – it's not such a big deal or struggle. The more attached I am to the struggle against my negativity, the more I'm affirming its existence. So the best way to counter it is to not struggle against it. It's just a bratty kid trying to get attention. If it's there, it's just there; just be mindful and watch it and keep in mind not to let it get out of hand.

The delay is bothersome because it is another repeat of the pattern of putting suicide off until I don't feel like it anymore. That the delay is externally caused just makes it easy to excuse myself. But it never goes away and will return again. And the longer this goes on, the bleaker or more pathetic the life forecast gets. I have no idea what I'll do when I don't do it this time.

I have no options and don't particularly want any. There's nothing I want to do. I don't desire anything. Music is completely done and over with. There was a reason why I quit my job, and if I went back because of a failed suicide attempt, I'd hit that reason again! I don't even want friends, certainly not an intimate. It's all empty with foreseeable ends. I know it's just me, but I don't see the worth people see in all that.

I have a lot of little enjoyments that make me happy and smile, but those things are more things to smile and let go of, realizing that the most important thing is to not attach to anything. Even floating and drifting along not attaching to anything, bank accounts don't last forever. Bank accounts should not be attached to.