It does bother me that I'm putting off my plan for another month. It makes it pretty much a likely certainty that I won't be carrying it out. And it turns out that my parents aren't visiting soon after I get back from Tibet, but two weeks after, and then they'll be here for about a week.

If I'm truly suicidal, why am I going to wait for their visit to come and go? So they don't have to deal with the mystery of my disappearance? That's laughable. What mystery? It would slide. They'd go through their visit and leave as scheduled. Sure they wouldn't know where I was, but they'd sooner get pissed than think something was wrong. They wouldn't have to deal with anything while they were here.

What bothers me most about putting off the plan for another month is nothing will be any different after. There's the possibility of doing it immediately after they leave, but like I said, putting it off is itself the best indicator of the likelihood of that happening. I feel like I'm beyond what I can tolerate anymore, but I can decide to not be beyond it for a month and tolerate it.

Anyway, that feeling of being beyond what I can tolerate anymore doesn't quite hold up to scrutiny as being something or meaning anything. Although those are the words that pop into my head to describe how I might be feeling, it's just the surface manifestation of causes and conditions of my life. Suicide is much more reality than those feelings are, and they're separate. Remove the feelings, suicide is still here, always has been.

Even beyond suicide is the reality that I don't have to commit suicide. Nothing whatsoever should be clung to, not even our lives, not even our deaths, not even suicide. But considering my life in total, I don't think there's a problem in this particular life ending in suicide. I might even consider it rational or natural. It's understandable.

It was a pretty big revelation before that negativity should not be clung to. Struggling, struggling, struggling against negativity as this huge obstacle. Turns out the struggling, struggling, struggling is the bigger problem than the negativity. Let it go. Better to just accept the negativity than get attached to struggling to get rid of it. Paradigm shift.

And at the point before dying, . . . I don't know, I'm still trying to formulate it . . . keep it in mind that I'm letting go of all "negative thoughts, destructive emotions and karmic obscurations"; I'm eradicating them, I will be victorious over them, they will be no more – I'm still trying to find the right expression of the idea.