I am waiting. I've decided. But I'm waiting for a reason. And while I'm waiting for my parents' December visit to Taiwan to come and go, I continue to ask myself what I would do if their visit wasn't forthcoming and there were no advantages to waiting.

In that case, I would be on a day-to-day basis as before, and I can't say that a second attempt wouldn't have already occurred. And I dare say that I couldn't anticipate lasting as long as until the time period of their visit. All conditions being what they are, the wait approaches excruciating levels.

There's still a little bit of element of my previous paradigm, which is that no matter what I'm planning, if I'm not doing it right now, I'm not going to do it. Putting suicide in the future is always a pattern of perpetual deferment. But it's less so this time; I'm being kinder to myself and not so cynical.

I'm certain another attempt is necessary at this time, and living a little while longer is not putting any doubt upon that necessity. And therefore there's nothing wrong with living a little while longer.

Weather has been horrible in Taipei, but it hasn't been getting to me like it has before. My first 2 years in Taipei it got to me because I thought that was the norm. But then for the following 2 years, the weather was . . . fine.

I hear it has something to do with La Niña patterns, and this year is a La Niña year, which is the reason for the near-constant drear with the few and far between appearances by the sun coming for mere hours at a stretch. Or a walk at night admiring the days-past-full moon and seeing Orion to remind me it's almost winter, and then hearing it pouring rain by the time I go to bed.

No, it's just not bothering me this time. In fact, if I wake up and there's not the slightest hint that the sky won't open up in short time, I'm perfectly happy just staying in bed. I'm pretty sure I'm clinically depressed, but this sort of terminology or definition doesn't mean anything to someone like me anymore. Years ago, that would be my way of saying it's bad, very, very bad. Now my meaning is that I'm way beyond it. In my world, I'm not depressed at all.