I'm wondering what I'm holding onto as my life unravels and falls apart. I put down my thoughts and ideas while realizing none of this has any meaning. I look at my life from all kinds of different angles and I can't see any meaning. I know my time on this planet hasn't been useless, I do think I have impacted some people's lives, but that doesn't mean it has meaning.

It's just plain ridiculous that I'm still here, letting things get bleaker and bleaker. I never would've guessed I would go out so pathetically, wasting away in my apartment.

My health may be taking a nosedive. My body feels like it's becoming unable to cope with my drinking (it's about time). I'm noticing more changes, but insomnia has also hit hard recently and isn't showing signs of relenting, and insomnia fucks you up real good.

The weather isn't helping, either. Relentless drear contributing to the decline.

Lots of nausea recently. Lots of feeling like throwing up, but having nothing to throw up as I don't have any appetite left, so there's not much in my stomach to throw up.

Not helping that matter is that I am forcing myself to continue drinking. My body is starting to resist. I don't know if it's psychological or physiological, but my body is trying to tell me to stop. It's getting hard to get shots down, and gagging has become part of the process as I force the poison down.

Generally feeling bad all the time. I'm not complaining, it's what I want, it's what I've caused. I just wish I can get it over with.