It is just a decision I just have to make now. Nothing's pushing me, nothing's pulling me.

I'm just here, just existing in a basic metabolizing human existence without any social function or meaning, waiting for myself to make a simple yes-no decision. Or rather a when decision, which will then determine the yes-no decision which I can't make until I'm at the brink again.

Then there's my fallback position of cowardly hoping that renal failure comes swiftly. "Cowardly"? Yea, I'll own up to that being cowardly, as it would be the result I've forced indirectly because of the failure of being proactive in this aspiration.

Letting go of this life in an affirmative act of deeply acknowledging the impermanence of any given human lifetime, with faith that it is an understanding and a step towards enlightenment and the belief that reincarnation is a natural cycle that has developed on this planet until enlightenment is attained to escape that cycle. Enlightenment possibly just a natural energy state of the universe.

That's a whole nother discussion, though, about why we live our lives, why we exist, why we suffer, why not, what's wrong with living life even if there's suffering, why should we try to escape, what's so great about enlightenment, etc., etc.

Me, I can barely get out of bed. When I get out of bed, I can barely get off the internet. When I get off the internet and don't go back to lying on my bed, I barely can get out of my apartment. I get out of my apartment to get something to eat and buy alcohol.

But I've more or less lost my appetite. When I do get something to eat, I feel bloated and nauseous afterwards. I'm thinking of trying an even unhealthier diet of just snacking out of convenient stores. Sandwiches, onigiri and salads.

My alcohol consumption has increased, and my general habit of buying a bottle of liquor every other day has slightly increased, whereby every few days I end up buying a bottle on a consecutive day. I'll determine I need to buy a new bottle while looking at a bottle that I just bought yesterday.

And I'm starting to feel the effects of alcohol more acutely. It's making me feel sicker. Sometimes it's hard to drink, sometimes the smell makes me nauseous. Sometimes I feel some sort of alcoholic lethargy in which I just crash and end up lying in bed drifting in and out of consciousness or sleep while the TV drones on in the background for hours until I recover and then get back on the internet and drink again. Woof, maybe a little too honest here.

I mentioned the constant cloudy and rainy weather here, but these past two days have been bright, sunny and warm, and even with constant self-entreaties to just get out into the sunlight, I've been unable to.

So all I have left is this one decision to make. The decision of when I'm going to go out to the brink and either do it or face up that I can't do it. And realize that if I don't do it, things get bleak. Nothing about living on looks in the least appealing. Going back to the U.S. would signal the start of some sort of nightmare. Yet, it's strangely possible.