Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I spent the last week on a cruise with the whole family, including parents, both brothers and their families. Thirteen people total; 7 adults, 6 children. I only agreed to this when I was having pangs of gratitude towards the parents for their involuntary contribution towards my following the path.

Between then and actually coming on this trip, the situation changed whereby I likely would not have agreed to come on this trip. But on the other hand, it still worked well for me as I mentioned Taipei was getting toxic and stifling. I'm enjoying being away.

And the change in situation may work for me as well, as whatever life I was living likely couldn't be sustained much longer. Things can't go wrong when things "going wrong" is the plan. Things looking like they're going wrong for me is actually things going right from my perspective and how I've set up my life.

Anyway, I came on this trip with the conviction that I wouldn't have a bad attitude towards anything consciously if I could help it. A lot of letting go involved. And not.

The cruise was to Bermuda, and it was enjoyable enough, but there's not much to say about it. It was pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. The days at sea were pleasant, there was non-stop food and maximum stuffitude, and with 4,000 people on board it was surprisingly easy to ignore the crowds.

I guess I can't emphasize enough how totally not invested in this trip I was. I was just tagging along. I had no part of the planning. Just show up and do as directed; take initiative and help out if opportunity arose. I made no special preparation for the trip – not even proper cruise footwear or sunblock – nor looked into what there was to do in Bermuda. Nothing about this trip was about me. I didn't do anything I might have done if it were my own trip.

I was predictably the odd one out, the free agent. My parents are their own unit and they did their own thing. We met for meals. My brothers' families were each their own unit and they made decisions according to their own priorities (the kids). I was free to tag along or go my own way.

For them it was creating memories. No doubt for the kids the memories will be significant as any childhood memories are. I suppose it's the same with my brothers and their spouses, but as adult family memories. Parents are spending their retirement the only way they can think of.

For me, after getting back home, the whole trip seemed unreal. It happened, but didn't leave any impression and may as well not have happened. Back to what I'd be doing anyway and not a single meaningful recollection or memory.

August 21, 9:54 a.m. - docked in Bermuda

10:26 a.m. - out for a walk on my own the morning before departure

3:04 p.m. - on our way, heading back to New York

August 22, 9:57 a.m.

4:25 p.m.

4:27 p.m.

The only thing worth mentioning on a personal basis is that I had another insomnia meltdown at one dinner, and my brother, sitting next to me, intentionally ignored it. He wouldn't even manage a "You OK?". Two words.

If it were a stranger, he would have assisted. When you notice someone under distress, you see if they need help, especially if you're a doctor. It's a no-brainer. And he couldn't have not noticed. As much as I was trying not to draw attention to myself and keeping it contained and zombie-ing my way through dinner, it doesn't take an empath to notice the person next to you at dinner having trouble.

Even if he didn't look over and notice what a hard time I was having physically, the silence was deafening as no conversation was directed at me and I wasn't making any effort to engage anyone or even make small talk. Plus I had to excuse myself from the table several times to keep from melting down, and not once did he acknowledge when I returned. Easiest thing in the world just to ask, "You alright?"

That level of disengagement, ostracizing even, in that situation meant he was putting an effort into ignoring whatever was going on with me. In a word, he didn't care. I didn't expect free medical advice. If he asked, I would've told him I know what it is, it has happened before and I can deal with it.

If he didn't press beyond that, that would've been totally acceptable. He doesn't need to know about insomnia. And if I tell him I can deal with it, he's off the hook to let me deal with it. But he didn't know what was wrong and he ignored it.

After that I disengaged from him and his family. It wasn't like I was "punishing" him. I just didn't want to look at him and I had no expectation that he would even notice. On the cruise with his family, if nothing happened and I acted the same way towards him, he wouldn't have noticed anything.

If he did notice something, then he would be acknowledging that I was reacting to him at dinner and that he did do something wrong.

But apparently he did notice and two days later while we were all at a beach, he had gone off to get food with his wife and when he returned he interrupted my music listening to offer me a burger. I declined and he emphasized that he got it for me.

The sibling read was clear and in a second it was over. It was clear what he was doing and so I thanked him for it and asked for the ketchup and relish. Any other reaction would have been petty and would have meant that I was trying to "punish" him, which is just silly.

After that, things went back to normal. More or less, that is. He did what our parents always did after conflict situations: they pretended it never happened and acted like everything was normal. There was never any acknowledgement or accountability regarding the conflict.

That behavior from the parents has always been infuriating and never forgotten. With my brother, I know where he got it from and so I won't react the same way. But suffice it to say I'll decline any invitations to visit him in Philly. Not that I'm expecting any.