The drinking was supposed to be the back-up plan. If I kept not ending my life, then eventually my health would fail from the constant drinking. That was the hare-brained theory.

But that testimony in the previous post makes a lot of sense to me, and it makes sense to 100% accept that I'm not going to die from alcohol-related health complications. The best I could expect from continuing to drink like that might be a long and painful existence that I'm possibly already feeling. Yea, I don't need that.

So the first conclusion is that constant drinking has no purpose, and I should stop. Now I have to face the truth of my alcoholism, which I never felt was a problem nor an addiction. It was a tool, a habit, something I did. I can stop any day. Well, it's any day.

I'm not going to assume it's going to be easy. I'm not going to try to go cold turkey. I think it's something I'll just have to deal with and observe week after week and any assessment, especially feeling good, will have to be taken with a grain of salt.

The second conclusion is that if I'm going to commit suicide, I can't rely on a back-up plan. That's pretty much what I've been doing. I've gone completely slack about having to actually do it. I was just letting the water flow under the bridge because I could let it. And the water's harmless if I'm sitting on the bridge.

For the past however many years I've been distracting myself, listening to music, collecting K-pop, cycling, running, maintaining mindfulness practice, watching sports and reading countless books in libraries, all the while drinking, drinking, drinking, thinking it's gotta kill me hopefully sooner rather than later.

It was laziness. Fading focus. I got sucked into enjoying just being able to live without ambition or wanting anything.

I wasn't having doubts or second thoughts about it. I want to die. This is for what I've been living my life. The exact place where I am in life is the result of having suicide as the affirmative goal. It's what this whole blog is supposed to be about.

So what I mentioned flippantly in the previous post about having to do it myself, was actually a reality-shattering wake-up call, prompting me to stop drinking and realize that I can't just be sitting around on this, distracting myself and filling time.