I've been feeling like crap starting this past weekend, along with two nights of complete insomnia. Then after a day or two of my anus feeling like it was going to explode, I took some Imodium multi-symptom relief (Diarrhea PLUS *Cramps & Pressure, *Gas, *Bloating) that I brought with me from the U.S.

It's over-the-counter, but I'm suspicious and wary about the U.S. pharmaceutical industry. It's obvious that profit is the most important thing to them, so I'm reluctant to take their products just because I'm feeling a bit off. I have to be pretty desperate and well into suffering to reach for the Imodium.

I write shit like this and then I realize I'm just repeating myself. Just a few posts back and I've already written what I'm experiencing now. It's chronic. The misery, the suffering, the realization that alcohol is probably at the root of it; variations on a theme.

I was desperate enough to take the Imodium and was feeling bad enough to drink as little as possible today. Even that I've done before, I know I've written about it.

I finally found a description on an internet forum of what happens when you drink a bottle of liquor a day for years that matches my experience. The question was about how long people can live (minor spelling and grammar edits):

Good question. Far longer than you might think. Depending on how well they take care of themselves, whether or not they have other diseases and barring drunken accidents they could very easily live for many years that way. People are a lot harder to kill than is generally believed. That being said, under the right conditions and keeping in mind that everyone’s body is different, a person could easily drink themselves to death in a relatively short amount of time. It really just depends. 

A person who drinks that much daily will be experiencing daily diarrhea, dehydration, organ swelling, hemorrhoids, vomiting up of blood, vomiting, morning shakes, possibly seizures. They risk cancers, lesions and outright destruction of their entire digestive tract from mouth to anus. They run their liver ragged and inflame their pancreas often developing untreated diabetes. Its a long, painful death for all involved. I know because I drank a 5th of hard liquor every day for many years. I have done every drug and have been addicted to most of them at one time or another and can tell you from personal experience and from watching other alcoholics in rehabs and hospitals that alcohol is by far the most destructive and dangerous drug on a long enough time scale and we haven’t even touched on what it does to relationships and its costs to society.

Aside from alcohol, I don't take drugs. No addictions. No known disease and relatively good health runs through the family. When I drink, I don't engage in dangerous behavior. I don't get drunk per se, and every night I drink until I shut down my computer and wash my shot glass.

Reasonably athletic until recently when I couldn't be anymore. Probably because of the alcohol. My nutrition I'm sure leaves a lot to be desired, and has only gotten worse with the inability to eat. Also probably because of alcohol.

I can relate to the daily diarrhea, organ swelling (I have a perpetual paunch and I hardly eat anything), vomiting. The destruction of digestive tract resonates.

Much of what he writes resonates and suggests that my drinking is probably not going to kill me. It will just continue to bring misery and suffering. If I want to die, I'm going to have to take it into my own hands, so to speak.

And I have been thinking about it a lot recently even though I haven't mentioned anything (I probably actually have). Anything I have to say about suicide I've said before. I've just been giving it a harder look and realizing shit's got to get real.