It's raining. It hasn't rained like this in quite a while. Nothing unusual, even this non-stop for days rain. It emphasizes that this summer can be characterized as having been rather dry, as opposed to summers where it rains every afternoon.

Sparse typhoon season, too. I think only two typhoons hit Taiwan. A one-two punch a few months ago, one right after the other with a strange sunny (but windy) day in Taipei between them. One went right across the island and the other swept up it; a hook and an uppercut. The destruction was typical, not disastrous.

Yesterday was the first day I woke up and checked the thermometer and it was below 80 degrees. That's autumn cooling in Taiwan! Air conditioning has been off for several weeks now. Fan is still on almost all the time. Sometimes I'll turn it off, only to turn it back on in short order.

The nature of my self-distractions to get from day to day has changed since cutting back on drinking and the resultant clarity. For one, I've stopped reading books I'm interested in at public libraries and I've gone back to reading a Chinese newspaper that has the phonetic pronunciation next to each character.

It's a newspaper for students, both native children whose knowledge of Chinese characters is still growing and foreigners here to learn the language. For me to read this newspaper is an exercise in pointlessness.

I consider my Chinese language learning at an end and having ended in failure. The point in reading this newspaper is to rub it in how much of a failure I've been in learning the language.

I can run my eyes over the words, some of which I can read and understand from previous studies, and know how to pronounce them because of the phonetics, but for most part I don't understand articles as a whole.

It further confounds me that after years of earnest study, how I can know so little? With what kind of further study could I have gotten to the point where I could read this newspaper? And I can't imagine even a lifetime's effort having me reading Chinese without the phonetics.

Basically I'm just tormenting myself, reminding myself that there is no effort that is worth it or will come to any fruition. Having suicide as a goal and death as the only thing worth learning about is all there is. There is no excuse for the distractions and pretending they are anything else than distraction, i.e., a waste.