Watching every day. Watching every day go by since the reality of the limited funds, and therefore time I have left manifested. Man, did March blow by in a hurry. Not really. If I was trying to be dramatic, it went by in a hurry, but actually days went by as they always did. I just paid more attention to them begin and end.

On principle, I'm not changing how I go about my days. I don't know why I have that principle, it's just what I always told myself to do. Actually, I imagine many suicides are like that. Once the mental decision is made, nothing is particularly different externally until doing it. The decision is faced and the plan is made without trying to project "warning signs" unless they're trying to be saved or stopped.

"Once the decision is made", I kid myself. Even though the depletion of funds is concrete and unavoidable, why am I even waiting? Why not now? That's the question that has characterized my pathetic pathology, and in the past has always indicated I wasn't going to do it. Why not now? Because I don't have to. Hopefully, in a few months I'll have to, but only then can I tell myself that my decision is made.

I wonder if there's anything about my life I wish I had done differently or better.

Not really. Aside from perhaps having suicide as my dream, my goal and aspiration in life. Given that, I think I've absolutely excelled in that regard by distancing myself from people who may be affected and minimizing any impact on them. I'm a very considerate and thoughtful suicide.

So no, there's nothing I could have done differently or better. Anything that qualifies to be in that category would be being more social and present in other people's lives, ego-affirming acts or being. Making connections, contributing to the betterment and well-being of others. Just making someone laugh over drinks. I think I used to be considered funny at some point.

Worthy enough things to do and be, but when you know you're suicidal, when your end goal is suicide, and you design all the little bits of your life to make sure it ends with suicide, then not so much. It just creates attachment and sentimentality. I think I did it right.

Regrets? I can't possibly say I have no regrets. No, I have regrets. I wish I could have practiced better. The Dalai Lama once described himself as a "lazy monk". He was being humble, the point being practice can often, if not always, be better. But we practice to our ability or else we might do more damage than benefit. I just wish I could have practiced better, that doesn't mean I could have. Given more time, I still wouldn't have practiced better.

I regret being born to my parents. Yeesh, what a monkey wrench that was. I still can't make heads or tails of why I was born to them. It happened. I can't just brush it aside as a mistake, even if it might have been. I have to examine whether there was any substance in that relationship and it's a cold trail.

But no, they were the perfect parents for what I want to do. No attachments, no sentimentality. If suicide is something I need to do to advance spiritually, they were the perfect parents. Practically inspirations. Actually inspirations. I don't remember when I was first introduced to the idea of suicide, but I think it was a bit of a revelation of, "you can do that?". And it was a response grounded in being a miserable child of my parents. I was probably in the 8-11 age range, I'm not sure. It was pretty early, I shouldn't wonder.

When it comes right down to it, my only theoretical regret is being this way, what Sadie said she hated about me. It theoretically would have been nice to not have suicide as a goal and have been some positive influence to someone else. It just wasn't going to happen in this lifetime. And I hope that regret is something I can carry over as karma to push for in future lifetimes. But in this lifetime, the big spiritual challenge is to voluntarily give up the attachment to that which is so dear and precious to me: my ego, my subjective perspective, my life.