I've been mulling over the "chronic suicidal ideation" revelation since hearing about it for the first time this past February. It blew my mind that it was even a thing. It blew my mind how perfectly and accurately it seemed to describe this most basic thing about me. It was mind-blowing going back anywhere in this blog and seeing evidence of it all over the place like a poorly covered-up crime scene. 

On the other hand I'm also wary. In processing it like a psychiatric diagnosis retroactively into what I've been writing all along, am I just seeing what I'm looking for? Is it valid if I hadn't identified it before, nor had any of my reads or anyone else I've spoken to over the years? Is it a mental crutch I'm using now for affirmation or to "feel better" about it or whatever reason? Or is it not even for me at all, but whoever else might happen upon this blog? As a recently encountered topic (coincidence?!), it's not gonna make it off the front page so the topic should be quickly visible as an important idea or theme. Well, thanks to this post.

The more I've thought about it, the problem is "chronic suicidal ideation" is only one description of reality, and in one certain version of reality it certainly is an accurate and appealing description of my life. But that's not really the reality this blog intended to describe. I had never heard of the term and if this blog were written with a self-conscious awareness of it, it may have been written quite differently. This blog even started as a self-described "mental health" blog, and if I knew "chronic suicidal ideation" was a thing in psychiatry I may have stuck to viewing my thoughts and experiences through that filter instead of organically as they happened.

As it happened, I think this more or less stopped being a mental health blog when I found mindfulness practice either nullifies or at least superficially checks mental health issues in the long term. I stopped seeing them as issues or afflictions and more as crutches or excuses that could be dismissed and allowed to leave. Common mental health issues went away, suicide didn't; possibly suggesting it never was a mental health issue. It took that form because of external circumstances and my internal reactions – it was the only way available to describe or understand it – but it was already there in a primordial form that predated teenage angst. I served it well carrying it with me in that form out of habit for many years but then it didn't survive mindful scrutiny, it lost that "protection". 

I might describe this blog as having become more about a flawed or problematic internal spiritual struggle which integrated suicide as an existential or valid philosophical inquiry. Being flawed or problematic doesn't necessarily mean there are faults or problems, that's just the nature of my path to learn from. That said, there most likely probably are faults and problems, but what can you do?

The "chronic suicidal ideation" descriptive is important, but it's not that important to me. It's important as far as the psychology goes, and even with mindfulness practice the mechanisms of psychology are ever-present and confounding, if not disturbing. It's important in filtering everything I've written, but it was only an aspect of who I was and not necessarily the most important. If I were to put emphasis on it, I feel like I'd be trying to shirk personal responsibility, that the reason for committing suicide was something other than my own doing; I had a mental illness and wouldn't have done it otherwise or if I had it treated. 

I don't know if it was fate or destiny or karma or none of the above, but there was a perpetual drive towards suicide that I can't quite understand or explain and it would be futile to try. I've tried. It was futile. I lived my life like everyone else made up of a combination of the things I've done and decisions I've made along with how I responded to how the world around me reacted and presented itself and unfolded. Causes and conditions that led to a result. It wasn't something completely out of my control like an illness. There was probably a high likelihood that I would eventually do it because of decisions I willfully made and not because I was messed up or depressed or despondent or without hope. Quite the opposite. And it wasn't easy, either, mind you.