I loosened my restrictions on drinking for a few days since I'm nearing the purported "end" anyway, but then decided that was a bad idea. Even hints of feeling like crap I'd rather do without, even approaching "the end" (of the money). By "loosening restrictions" that just meant allowing for bigger sips out of the shot glass, as much as half the shot at a time, but that did lead to filling the shot glass more often and slippage down the slippery slope.
I remember when drinking alcohol was enjoyable. Beers with friends is a fond memory even if I don't have memories of any specific friends anymore. It just must have happened and the idea that it must have happened is a fond memory. The Beale St. NTN trivia crowd in San Francisco is the closest I get to remembering specific people. Friends invited you to come over and the standard operating procedure was for invitees to bring beer or wine of choice. Band rehearsals always enjoyably involved beer. Even alone beer was enjoyable, turning on music equipment with a Giants or A's game in the background on the TV.
I don't remember exactly when drinking stopped being enjoyable. I wonder if there's any sort of consensus among heavy drinkers and alcoholics that drinking is no longer enjoyable. Are there drunks who still enjoy it? Probably. Happy drunks maybe. I can't say I enjoy it but I still do it, but not so much that it feels like crap. Once I start it's hard to stop, but it's important to know when to draw the line and hard stop. Ah, there's your mindfulness alcoholism. Or maybe it's the drinking knowing I'll have to stop that's unenjoyable. Going down the slippery slope is enjoyable, the consequences are not. I'm trying to figure out what my mind is doing with alcohol.
It kinda sucks being able to drink liquor like water. The uninitiated often have a visible, physical facial or bodily reaction to liquor – a good, healthy response to a toxin. When I took bigger sips of liquor it felt nice and easy and even downing the whole shot or even more from a glass would've been . . . I'm tempted to try it just to find the right word, but I won't. The feeling like crap thing, the havoc it wreaks on internal organs and functions.
All through this blog I've gone back and forth whether I'm alcoholic or not. Actually it's more that I am but whenever I write about it I'm arguing that I'm not. I guess somewhat telling is that approaching "the end" it didn't occur to me to just try stopping.
