It's sinking in what a bad decision it was to move back to my parents' place in New Jersey. Even assuming it was going to be temporary, knowing my high degree of entropy made it a very, very bad decision. Family will always be family, and nothing will change family. Not even killing myself would change anything here.
I've been in contact with one of the monks at Deer Park Monastery, angling only for indirect guidance, trying to work out my issues for myself. Why am I balking? Why am I not there now? Why don't I have a train ticket back West yet? It's a no-brainer, there's nothing else for me to do in material life.
The idea of entering a monastery has been with me since college. Through the years, there has always been something else distracting, something else to pursue. I've chased down all those paths and found nothing. This is all that's left, this is all I'm motivated to do, the only thing that I feel.
The problem is the same as it's always been. I don't even want to live, how do I get motivated to do anything with my life? The suicide thing is tired now, now I just don't care to live or be motivated. I'm sort of waiting for my parents to start driving me nuts enough to buy that train ticket, and that's a poor motivation. Or is it? I told them I'd be out of here by the end of this month anyway.
There's nothing really to discuss with anyone anymore. Now it's just a matter of a kick in the pants, someone telling me definitively to just go, and there's no one who can do that except me. That sucks.
Oradell Avenue pedestrian overpass over the Garden State Parkway
August 10, 2004; 4:52 P.M.
