Monastery I:
I'm gonna be up at a monastery in upstate New York from tomorrow to Sunday. I told my parents today that I'm going to upstate New York from tomorrow to Sunday, without mentioning the monastery part. Part of me held off to the last minute to tell them because I didn't want them asking too many questions about it, but I at least expected them to ask where I was going. They didn't.

It was actually part of my strategy that they ask, so I could put it in their heads what is coming down the pipeline in the next few weeks, if I decide to enter one as a life choice. It was also family habit, and maybe ingrained strategy, that I didn't volunteer the information – they had to ask for it.

So what does it mean that they didn't? I don't know. They've never been hands-on parents, and I think with me and my brothers in our adult years, they've somehow gotten into their heads that they shouldn't ask at all about anything. I don't know if I'm a part of making them be like that, but I might be.

But not even a nominal modicum of curiosity? Even when relations between us has normalized and nothing has been particularly strained for a very long time? Growing up, they never showed much direct interest in our upbringing, and this behavior also comes across as disinterest to some degree, even if it's some twisted notion of caring by not prying or nagging. I certainly never gave them any reason to believe that I want them knowing what I'm doing or planning, or that I want them asking.

Suicide I: subtext
But it does say to me that I shouldn't care what they think about whatever I do, and I should just go ahead and do it. A conclusion at which I constantly arrive.

Family relations are always complicated. You make your decisions and deal with consequences as they come up. I think they're curious about where I'm gonna be for a week, but they're consciously deciding to not ask. There are probably no consequences that will come up from this particular decision, but in other matters there might be.

If I do decide to enter a monastery, how much advance notice am I going to give them? More than a day, I assume. But I can imagine telling them a day in advance that I'm leaving for a monastery in San Diego and don't know when they'll see me again.

Suicide II: context
Strangely, although I'm not planning on suicide at this point, I recently decided that if I did do it while living at their house (not at their house, I wouldn't do that), I would leave a note. Never in my 20+ years of suicidal history have I ever considered leaving a suicide note. And boom, here it is, to solve a problem.

I don't want to leave them with a mystery, that would be a cold shot, so just write a damn note. The world opens up with all the things I can say in it to comfort them and make them feel better about it and to go on that vacation to Australia in October that they are so looking forward to.

But a suicide note, and trying to do those things in a suicide note, would be for me. I don't know if they would need comforting or if they would change their plans or not enjoy themselves just as much. They might be far more enlightened than I can even imagine.

Enlightenment I:
Remember in the old days, a thousand years and more ago, when people "attained enlightenment"? "Attaining" enlightenment has stayed in the vernacular into modern times, but I think the days are long gone when people would have a sudden awakening, a moment of attainment.

I do think that used to happen. But the mechanics of enlightenment has changed through the course of human mental, psychological, and spiritual development. I might even go so far as to think that the very nature of enlightenment has evolved. I don't know how, I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just theorizing, I might as well be talking about black holes, but no true seeker on the path today thinks or talks about "attaining enlightenment". It's a red herring now.

I don't think they had red herrings back then, either.

It's all relative anyway, thanks to Einstein. There are people I know who I consider "enlightened" (non-attached, wise, living in the world, living in the moment), but they themselves would be horrified and embarassed at the suggestion. And to the suggestion that I'm even on the path, whether I'm further on down it or further back (it's all relative), the path is still more like a balance beam I keep falling off of.

Enlightenment II:
Oh, and my computer crashed. I'm borrowing my brother's laptop until I leave for the monastery, and I think I'll be able to get my computer back on life support after I get back, but I've lost all my programs and emails, including the ones I'd been planning on responding to.

Bill Gates should be ashamed of Windows ME operating system. He should feel personally responsible for an operating system that was worse than all those that came before it, and all those that came after it. He should have issued a public apology for Windows ME, and ordered a better version of Windows sent to everyone who bought a computer that ran on Windows ME. And he should have been forced to lick the envelope and stamp of every single one that got sent out. /fantasy