Kaohsiung, Taiwan

It's time for me to seriously start thinking about returning to the U.S. and getting back to the monastery. And considering the way I procrastinate and put decisions off, "seriously start thinking" means "make a decision today and implement it tomorrow (because the actual decision made today will still happen too late in the day to implement)".

It's definitely time. I think I've done a good job maintaining my practice during this hiatus, and I feel I've moved along quite nicely since going to the monastery in November and then coming here while the monastics were out traveling. The right things have gotten clearer, and the right things have gotten fuzzier. Things just naturally happened internally without my doing anything or noticing, just realizing one day that something was a little different.

I am getting the distinct feeling that the monastery has been the safest and most supportive environment I've been in, even with all my reserve and guard, watching out for "cult-like behavior". My final conclusion is that there is very little about the Plum Village system that is dogmatic or cult-like. It's not perfect, there's a lot of room for improvement, but at least there is also a lot of room for discussion about things, including the problems.

I've really enjoyed my time in Taiwan, re-connecting with my cousin after so many years, and being with other family members even though we can't communicate, and even through moments of frustration. If there is one thing that really shook my mindfulness practice, it was my uncle's driving. Quelle horreur.

But the time is ripe for me to leave. The distractions are rubbing shoulders with confusion, and as I view the distractions as having no basis, any confusion stemming from them is not worth my time or effort. The irony is that the main distractions are coming from my cousin, who I love and trust, but who is the mouthpiece for any information and unwanted opinions from other family members.

Bottom line is that I have a commitment to return to the monastery to pursue aspirancy, but if I decide the monastic path isn't for me, I'm welcome to come here and ex-pat and forge out the quasi-hermit life that I realized might be better for me than monasticism anyway.

When a novice monk gets fully ordained, he becomes a bhikkshu. The joke at Deer Park when a novice returns to Plum Village for full ordination is that he's getting his "big shoes". I'm not sure in this lifetime that I can fill those big shoes. I still have little petty, hermit-life feet.