Taipei, Taiwan en route back to Kaohsiung
Frick. Falling down the shaft, breaking through each trap door, down another level. I left Japan a day early for no other reason than I could. If Madoka said she wanted me to stay the extra day and leave on my originally scheduled flight, I would have stayed. If she said she preferred that I stay, I would have stayed. But she just said that I was welcome to stay, and no hard feelings if I decided to leave early, so I took that as neutral desire for me to stay, either way fine.

Coming back to Taiwan, my cousin is very stressed out and could use my presence to help her out with the kids and daily routine. And Japan was cold. And Madoka and I weren't really getting anywhere, and I knew that my departure would probably jar things enough to get our discussion into more substantial space.

Leaving Japan and returning to Taiwan, I felt anger and anxiety. Returning to Taiwan, I still don't know what I'm doing, but I know I'm one step closer to going back to the monastery, and I'm still conflicted about that, even though I know I'll be fine once I'm there. There's that feeling that I'll be missing something, that something was left undone.

Anger at Madoka for feeling close to her, for connecting with her, for thinking our friendship has a history, but where the hell has she been in the past two years? Why do I know nothing about what's going on in her life, or where she's been, or where she's going, or where she is at any given moment? It wasn't lack of interest on my part. I don't know what she thinks or feels or intends, but from my point of view, I'm not important to her, I'm not significant in her life, and what happens to me doesn't matter to her. From my point of view.

Anger at my cousin for feeling close to her, for connecting with her, for thinking that our friendship has a history, but where the hell has she been in the past however many years? I'm at the monastic aspirant stage of my life, but both of these people had no idea how I got here or what I'm doing here. They weren't around when I was struggling with the issues. I can't care what either of them think about it. And they know they have no influence on what I decide, even though they might have. They might have helped. It's not like I didn't want it; someone I trusted to give me an opinion and why. Fantasy.

Japan was so lovely. It felt like home. Nagasaki was a great city and I fell in love with it. Kyoto didn't like me. The feeling is mutual. I've gotten used to Tokyo and like it now, mind-blowing megapolis.

After I decided to change my flight, Madoka and I started talking. She's a spiritual enigma. She's a way advanced being, way beyond me, a true bodhisattva, but she's forgotten something, some foundation, and as she dedicates her life to selflessly helping others and making the world a better place, she struggles to be more selfish while at the same time feeling she's too selfish. There is evidence both ways. She needs to take better care of herself, but it's not like she doesn't take care of herself. No stereotype fits, no spiritual diagnosis or prescription fits.

She needs to connect with something basic, and maybe that is where I come in, since I'm still working on the basics, the mechanics to be more giving and selfless and working to help others in the far-distant future. She's coming back from the other direction.

But we never really engaged. I felt I was skipping a handful of pebbles across a pond to get something to resonate with her. I was throwing out every little suggestion of what I thought might be going on with her, expecting much of it was wrong since I don't know who she is anymore. And I got very little feedback. The only thing she gave me feedback on was my very basic, elementary suggestion that she keep sitting, keep meditating. All my theories and metaphors and examples were hot air. She latched onto the most basic, practical thing. She's very advanced.

And she didn't need me to tell her that. She doesn't need me to tell her anything. If I didn't need to renew my visa, I wouldn't have come to Japan, she wouldn't have any idea where I was or what I was doing. So there. She's important to me. Just not my life.