The negativity is here. I think I've plumbed the depths of it and found no bottom, no source of it, no reason for it. No glowing nugget of negativity to attest to its reality. It just arises as mirages in moments, reflections in the mirror. Ripples of karmic waves, distorting my perception.
Yes, what that person just did made me react negatively, angrily. Yes, he's a dumb-ass. But wait, would I think this way if it was my best friend, someone I know, someone I love? So this negative reaction isn't absolute. It's relative, it's conditional.
If it's not real, if it's not reality, then why cling to it? Why treat it like reality? Why treat it like it's real? Let the anger go, let the negativity subside, and . . . . . . . . . ok, ok, fine, he's not a dumb-ass, either. Sheesh, get off my back.
Along with the negativity is aggression. I notice the aggression mostly when I'm riding in traffic. It's tricky because the aggression is helpful in making me ride defensively. That's another story though – riding defensively by riding aggressively. Maybe to other people it looks like I'm on the offense, but to me it's being defensive. Oh God, W. Bush philosophy has pervaded my blog.
I've noticed the aggression as an entity, not unlike the negativity, more, and I've also noticed, for example, when I get to the relative safety of campus, I have to make an effort to turn it off, or find it hard to turn off.
I do have latent aggression in me, as well as violence. If I'm attacked, I will defend myself, aggressively or violently if need be. In my mind, I imagine becoming aggressive or violent with less! Even if I don't act out on it, it's here.
There's a scene in Tsai Ming Liang's latest movie, translated as "I Don't Want to Sleep Alone", where one character gets angry (uncharacteristically emotional in a Tsai Ming Liang film) at another character, and holds a sharp object to his throat.
In Tsai Ming Liang style, of course nothing happens. He holds the scene and lets the raw scene convey the emotion without any movement. Ultimately, the character backs off.
What I saw were two non-violent people, perhaps a suggestion of a society that is non-violent. The character gets angry and behaves violently, but ultimately can't go any farther. Furthermore, the person who is being threatened doesn't react or defend himself violently.
I forget what happens next, but I wouldn't be surprised if they just rolled over and went to sleep – to give you an idea of what a Tsai Ming Liang film is like.
I wouldn't mind getting rid of the latent aggression and violence in my mind, but that's way down the line for me. My current mind practices being sharp, being responsive, being aware as a means of reacting.
I do have practices to work on it, but I'm not fooling myself thinking that I'm really changing my nature in any fundamental way, as I think it is possible with the negativity. An example of a practice is when walking in public, people get in my way and my natural reaction is to feel a flare of anger or defensiveness.
The practice is to take the fault upon myself and mentally send out an apology whenever such an encounter occurs, which is near constant when in public in Taipei. Sometimes even actually apologizing when my mind is thinking "what the fuck? get out of my way". Yup, long way to go.
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| SUNDAY, MAY 20, 6:40 p.m. - Shots from my new apartment window. Xindian skyline detail, long zoom. |
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| TUESDAY, MAY 22, 7:48 a.m. - Crossing the Jingmei River on the way to school. |
