Anchorage, Alaska
On the way back to Taipei from New Jersey. After four weeks, that was one of the more difficult departures. Parents getting old, brothers raising kids. You play with those mites for just a little bit, and man do they get under your skin. You don't want to miss one day of their growing up.
But I have to go back. Have something to go back for, which is rehearsing with the band for a gig next Monday! Oy, time to pretend I'm professional. Or not.
And 2008. Yeesh. Same ol' resolutions, although I thought of something while in New Jersey that I haven't decided holds some grain of truth, or is the cop-out of a lifetime.
I realized or thought maybe that whenever I die, however I die I'm going to consider it a suicide. Living the way I do, thinking the way I do, writing what I have, holding the beliefs I do and I really can only die by suicide.
It doesn't matter how, but my dying will be the killing of myself. By myself. It's just the end point of the process of how I've lived my life, which was with suicide as, if not a goal, well something . . . the cornerstone, the keystone, the basic philosophy, the foundation.
It's kind of irrelevant how I die. That moment of death is just a mere instant, a cold fact, and if it doesn't manifest as some overt act that people traditionally and conventionally consider suicide, that shouldn't overshadow what I've carried around with me my whole life. That doesn't make sense to me.
Does that mean I don't actually have to do an act that traditionally and conventionally looks like a suicide? Hm, for the first time I'm going to say maybe. But augh that looks like a cop-out. And it still feels like the day that I definitively decide not to "commit suicide", whatever that means, will really be the day I die. That's just weird, man. But at least it still makes sense to me.
But I have to go back. Have something to go back for, which is rehearsing with the band for a gig next Monday! Oy, time to pretend I'm professional. Or not.
And 2008. Yeesh. Same ol' resolutions, although I thought of something while in New Jersey that I haven't decided holds some grain of truth, or is the cop-out of a lifetime.
I realized or thought maybe that whenever I die, however I die I'm going to consider it a suicide. Living the way I do, thinking the way I do, writing what I have, holding the beliefs I do and I really can only die by suicide.
It doesn't matter how, but my dying will be the killing of myself. By myself. It's just the end point of the process of how I've lived my life, which was with suicide as, if not a goal, well something . . . the cornerstone, the keystone, the basic philosophy, the foundation.
It's kind of irrelevant how I die. That moment of death is just a mere instant, a cold fact, and if it doesn't manifest as some overt act that people traditionally and conventionally consider suicide, that shouldn't overshadow what I've carried around with me my whole life. That doesn't make sense to me.
Does that mean I don't actually have to do an act that traditionally and conventionally looks like a suicide? Hm, for the first time I'm going to say maybe. But augh that looks like a cop-out. And it still feels like the day that I definitively decide not to "commit suicide", whatever that means, will really be the day I die. That's just weird, man. But at least it still makes sense to me.
