I got sent home from work tonight. I think the month of insomnia finally caught up, but I'm not 100% certain that was it. I'm at least 90% sure it is.
It hasn't improved any, and the band had a gig last night, and before the second set, I was like, "this is gonna be the hardest set of my life." Strangely, it went alright after a shaky start. But maybe pulling it together for the gig, maxxed out what little reserves I might have had left.
After the gig, declining hanging out with Amy, I went home and eventually got 3 hours of sleep. I went to sleep after 3:00 and woke up at 6:00. Instead of puttering around like I usually do when I can't sleep, I eventually went out. I came back after noon, and managed to fall back to sleep until after 4:00. I then headed to work, got something to eat, but when I got to work, that's when it happened.
I can't even describe it, I can't even relate to what happened, but my body pretty much shut down. I was able to do my work, albeit probably very slowly. I could feel my heart beating. I was sweating. My eyes kept tearing up, so I probably looked like I was crying. I went to the bathroom several times to splash water on my face and at least one of those times I began hyperventilating.
Although I was able to do the work in front of me, I'm pretty sure my reactions and interactions with people made it really obvious something was seriously wrong. Eventually my boss told me he told the person who was supposed to be my second tonight to come early, and he called the new hire who wasn't scheduled to come in to also come in tonight, and that I should go home.
They now know how serious this is. I came home and it's not like I went to sleep right away. I still can't sleep. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep.
I started cutting again during the past few weeks, for the first time in perhaps maybe a year but probably not that long, just to alleviate some of the feeling. Although I want to note that cutting is just a thing that I do because I can because it's in my history. It doesn't mean anything and doesn't point to any major underlying whatever.
One thing I've done to take advantage of the insomnia is to make sure I don't stop sitting. After I wake up after 2-3 hours, I sit. I've also begun a new cycle of reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
It's bad. It might be really, really "bad", but I don't want to lose focus that this existence is unbearable, and if this kills me, I really, really wouldn't mind. I don't want to attach to living. I don't want to attach to dying. I don't want to be averse to living, I don't want to be averse to dying.
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| SATURDAY, JUNE 28 - My neighborhood. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN. |
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| Banners protesting something about the new MRT line that's being built. I shot from behind the banner so when I flipped the negative the words wouldn't draw attention. |
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| MRT construction means traffic lanes changing every several weeks, including the movable bus platforms. |
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| Dr. Sun Yat-sen Memorial House, near Taipei Main Station. |
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| Taipei Main Station. |
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| Experiments in cropping details. |
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| Cropping detail experiment. |
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| Danshui township on the way to Le Mer for a gig. |
