What was I thinking? Big bang. Scientists describe it as literally as possible so that non-astrophysicists can understand, can relate. Some describe it as literally as possible so that they themselves can understand, can relate. But I think there are some who realize how inadequate the convenient description is. What actually happened is far more abstract, far more fragile, intangible than our minds can fathom.

It goes at one point in time, the more advance thinking goes, at one point in "time", since the concept time was also created at the same moment as the big bang, all matter in the universe was situated in an infinitesimally small, atom-sized space, and "something" happened to trigger this thing to explode in a massive eruption that created time and space, and thus the universe was born.

As I write it out, I'm unconvinced. Make it so linear, and it's too arbitrary to be scientific. After all, as Freud once said, it's just a theory.

I think some scientists know it's not that linear or concrete or even conceivable. To conceive something, we think we should be able to describe it, to visualize it, but one current cosmological theory of the beginning of the universe acknowledges that there was a span of time between the big bang and the existence of light. How do you visualize something without light?

After the big bang, the nature of what existed wasn't visible, and it was after some time when conditions in this unseen, primordial, molecular soup changed that finally the process that would become the shedding of light would occur. Finally the conditions were that a photon of light wasn't immediately absorbed or dissipated and it shot forth and suddenly the universe became visible. It shone, gases were revealed.

But that uncertainty of what was going on in that period, that murkiness, I think, brings question to that concrete idea of "everything in the universe within a tiny space suddenly banging and creating the universe". Maybe that's just a convenient, concrete description. As humans, maybe we're too arrogant, or maybe it's just our natures to resist the idea that there is some phenomena that we can't explain. Or maybe it's just coping with that inability.

Maybe the dot wasn't quite so small. Maybe there wasn't a nothingness of a void before then. Maybe it was an event that involved a previously existing universe. I'm just trying to cope.

And I've been thinking about the idea in physics of conservation of energy, or maybe my version of it since I'm no physicist. I think I heard somewhere the idea that the amount of energy in the universe is not only finite, but is quantitatively conserved. No energy is ever lost, it can only be converted to another state.

Aren't my thoughts energy? Aren't my memories energy? My consciousness? How much of my life do I not remember? I think it's easy to state that the vast majority of my life, I don't remember. Where is that energy? Why do we forget? Why don't we remember absolutely everything, especially since it is said that we only use about 10% of our brain's capacity? Hmm.

Yea, that can go several ways. I can't help tying it in with karma. These things are the energy of karma, karma exists because we do, because our consciousnesses do. The energy is not lost just because the memory can't be recalled. The energy is imprinted, converted into an energy called karma. And that karma converts back into manifestations of future personality, a continuity of energy, of being. A soul, maybe.

I'm losing the thought. I mentioned that I'm having insomnia these days, right? Well, I am. I can't get more than a couple hours of sleep without waking up fully alert. Even with sleeping pills I wake up – they just helped me get back into an unsettled sleep because I'd be too groggy to find the bottle of Jack Daniels.

Extended hiccups make me want to kill myself, insomnia also makes the option attractive. I know I won't, but I wonder about these things and why my afflictions just happen to be of this nature. It's in my mind, I know. If I had eczema, or if I still had asthma, I'd think the same thing. At least it's not a tumor.

And I still think the fundamental nature of our consciousnesses has something to do with dark energy.