It was the whole weekend that got to me, of feeling totally isolated, condescended to and patronized by extended family for my cousin's wedding, capped off by one last day getting the same from my parents and two uncles and an aunt, that I could only respond to their entreaties to me to move back to the U.S. with coldness.
I wasn't trying to. I wasn't mad or bitter, but the mindset that I was put in by those circumstances just didn't allow me to respond in any other way. If I'm treated enough in a way that I can't respond, when I get asked for a response, I can't.
However, it was the manipulative form of their entreaties that guarantees that I will not move back to the U.S. until it is fully convenient and advantageous for me. Their past manipulation is nothing I will soon forget or forgive. If they think I'm good to them now, it's only because it's no real loss to me. Whatever I do for them is fully within my willing capability; I make no real sacrifice for them. Not surprisingly, I don't think they ever have for me, either. At least not from my perspective.
I think for the first time this wedding weekend, I found I have no feelings for these people. I was totally an outsider. I had nothing to do with them. And I'm starting to feel it's not just because of the language.
One of my cousins summed it up. He is an American cousin, he grew up in the U.S. with me and my brothers and he was as close of extended family as I knew. Not that we're close, we didn't see each other for nearly 20 years. We were at another uncle's house having dinner, and I was asking questions about his parenting experience, and apparently my questions were getting far too philosophical.
I didn't notice him getting perplexed by the type of questions I was asking, and finally after one question, he swatted it down in exasperation and said, "I'm not as reflective as you", ending that line of questioning right there and then, to which he was perfectly pleased and would make no apologies. On my part, I had no problem dropping it, he was clear as an azure sky.
What am I doing in this family? Why was I born into this family? "I'm not that reflective". That should be the family motto. No one in this family is that reflective, and I'm starting to think that they've just been tolerating me and my philosophomorical paradigms and queries.
My cousin who just got married, he had SARS. He almost died. He told me that he had to put every ounce of energy he could muster into surviving or he would have died. Even that didn't make him think about life and/or death, or give him a greater appreciation for life. He's not that reflective.
My father's getting old, he can't move around that well anymore. He's a smart man, though, even brilliant by my brother's account. He's semi-retired, but he still goes to the office. My mother is afraid that inactivity will kill him.
I've more than once suggested he put his brain to use and write down something about his life and what he went through – leave something for his grandchildren to know him, in case he can't tell them himself. He was a first generation immigrant. There must be something of interest in his experience. But he's not that reflective.
I go through my experience and interactions with each and every one of my family members. They can discuss things, even debate issues with me, but when it comes to things mattering, I can hear the words collectively coming out of their mouths, "We're not that reflective."
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| 5:08 p.m. - Dongxing Rd. Ricoh Caplio R4. |
