Kaohsiung, Taiwan

No left turn, I got through the wedding by disappearing. Man, was that annoying. I actually wasn't a total wet towel, although my nose was as my sinuses were acting up something fierce in the morning and I had an excuse to lay low. But then I went out and got some sinus medicine, and the noontime portion of the wedding was here at my uncle's place, and I stood for pictures.

But then when orchestrating getting everyone to the wedding banquet site, it somehow got to me that I would be staying here to help take care of my cousin Audrey's son, along with the nanny who I consider a friend. I didn't mind that information as I didn't want to go anyway, and when people asked, I replied I wasn't going.

There was a bit in all this where it seemed that Audrey wasn't the source of the rumor of my staying behind, but I'm not sure I trust anything about her anymore, nor do I care. Suffice it to say that it was fine with everyone that I was staying behind, but then my parents were among the last people to depart, and they wouldn't have that, and I couldn't argue against them on this point, so I went.

When we got to the place, I found I knew where it was and it was an easy walk home, so I mentioned to my parents that if I didn't like being there, I could eat and then just leave. I ended up leaving just about right away.

The wedding banquet was a way-overblown dealy with hundreds of people who didn't know each other. My parents sat at the main table, and that was good for me because there was absolutely no way I was going to. I'm way too far down the totem pole for that esteemed position.

After that, all it took was to look around and be overwhelmed, find that anyone who even knew me was too busy, and I basically made my exit after making sure that my presence was known by certain key people who could vouch that I was there.

My experience with this family as a whole has been simply humiliating. I'm pretty much tolerated, condescended to, patronized and otherwise ignored. It might be 100% because of the language thing, but I wouldn't be surprised if a good percentage is actually because of my personality. I don't know what's wrong with my personality when I happen to make an effort, but apparently there is something wrong either way.

It could be the vibe I give out. It could be some family thing regarding my parents that I don't know about. Background, politics, education, philosophy? Whatever. Anyway, I can't definitively say who genuinely likes me aside from my uncle and aunt. OK, uncles and aunts. Maybe one or two others who I'll leave undefined. And I'm definitely more comfortable with the nanny to Audrey's kids than most of them. I relate to her more as an outsider.

I don't know if this will affect whether or not I move to Kaohsiung or not. Usually I don't have to deal with family en masse, and I'm not faced with a monolith to point out my insignificance. What this does do is make my suicide make more sense. To whom? How? I don't know, I don't care, shut up. I don't care if they care . . . which they probably do.

Something is slowly being made clear by all this, I'm not sure what yet.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, - My cousin Gary with bride-to-be in the shrine room on the roof of my uncle's building. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN.

Gathered with family to pay respects to ancestors.

1:26 p.m. - My cousin Audrey's daughters Pie and Gracie.

1:43 p.m. - Two generations snapshot (the old guy is the husband of my cousin Sally, standing at the left). Family members of all five of my grandfather's children are present (grandchildren of only four).

2:37 p.m. - Bob and Jill, cousins to each other.

2:59 p.m. - KMRT station. I had to get away from all the family ruckus.

4:17 p.m. - KMRT station. I had to go back to all the family ruckus.

4:57 p.m. - Gracie, Jill, Sunny and Pie, watching TV before the evening wedding banquet.

JANUARY 12 - Kaohsiung rooftops.