Am I really not going to kill myself? Why am I still here? Has all this just been the biggest sham that I've perpetuated upon my now useless life? Do I not realize I have to do this? Did I sabotage the very fabric of this existence for nothing?

Who would possibly wish this upon me?

If I don't kill myself ... fine, I don't expect anyone to want me to kill myself, but what would that mean?

Fine, theoretical "other people" would want me to not only not kill myself, but also build something constructive and fulfilling for myself. But that's not going to happen. And no one can be bothered to, say, "contribute" to that effect. Naturally, because I've already discounted the possibility of anyone else's contribution to my rehabilitation.

How conveeeenient.

And if they would've done something if they'd known my suicide was the other option, well, that's a crock o' shit. That isn't real. No, those people are cowards acting just to spare themselves from a difficult experience.

My life is where it is because that's where I brought it, whether I'm willing to admit I didn't want it to be this way or not; and I'm not going to comment either way on that. I know what I have to do, but ... there's still a but. And there should be no but. But is a way out, and I don't want there to be a way out. But is like I'm still trying to convince myself.

I'm not confused. This is not an emotional post. I am trying to get clear. I have to do this. I'm navigating day-by-day just on curiosity. Basically I'm waiting to get bored.

Facts are facts. If I decide I'm not going to do it, and then I look at my life ahead of me, . . . fuck, I thought I knew the answer to that and it just slipped away. No, the word 'unbearable' is in the mix. Isolation is the norm. And suicide would still be the reality; I would just go around this again eventually.

In fact, that's exactly what happened last time. I said I'd suck it up and never think about it again. Haven't we had enough?

And no time is "good" for the people around me. If shit hits the fan, it doesn't matter when it happens, it'll suck.