Going on several weeks of being back in Taiwan and not working. The isolation has settled back in, although it has been mitigated by hanging out with Alex and Ginny a little more. But I think there are distinct reasons for the increase, which don't necessarily have anything to do with me being their first choice of people to hang out with. I'm just available. Whatever, all fair.
Ginny's gone out of town for half a week and Alex nevertheless called me out last Friday pre-cold. I'm fine hanging out with Alex, although the dynamic is best with Ginny. It did make me realize I've been using Ginny as a crutch, as I did talk to a singer of a band for a while (read: was more social), which I might not have done if Ginny was around.
Ginny might be the reason for this cold. I knew she said she was sick when we went out last Wednesday, and deep into the night I told her to kiss me because I didn't want the last person to ever kiss me to be a guy. The backstory being that previously a guy we were hanging out with pressured me into kissing him. It was pretty weird and totally gross and proved to me once and for all that I, unfortunately, don't have a gay bone in my body. She obliged with a friendly kiss, so this cold might be Ginny germs.
My oldest brother had yet another baby boy on Friday. Which lays ground for another New Jersey visit this summer, but I really, really hope I'm not around for that. I want to make it through March and into April, but I keep asking myself why and I hear my answer loud and clear. I'm sure I'll make it through March into April, just because I'm just not that proactive enough.
My cousin in Kaohsiung called the other day just to chat and that was weird. I don't know what her deal is. She should either be involved or not, but should not make these random phone calls, especially if she thinks they are to maintain some connection. There is no connection.
My second brother has even stopped going through the motions that he wants anything to do with me or the family. He tolerates his obligations with family that impose themselves on him because they are proximate, but I'm far out of that sphere for him to even bother.
Since I visited him last summer, I haven't had any contact with him whatsoever until this last time I was in town, and that didn't happen until my parents planned to go down to Philly for a visit. I certainly didn't call him as soon as I was in town. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that when I e-mailed him with a direct, simple request, he hasn't responded at all. It's not bad blood, it's no blood. Not that there's any difference.
The newspaper has contacted me about returning, even though I told them I want at least a two months break after being traumatized by their horrible mismanagement. But they're just asking me to fill in some gaps, not come back full-time. That place just left such a bad taste in my mouth that they have to make more of an effort to lure me back.
I have other plans that I have to explore before going back. I need something to work for before I go back to work, and I don't know what that is. Maybe I need another suicide attempt to push me towards finding more of life's value. Maybe I'm taking too much for complacent.
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| MONDAY, MARCH 1, 8:05 p.m. - Taipei Lantern Festival. Lunar New Year is on the new moon, the Lantern Festival is two weeks later with the full moon. |
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| WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3, 4:41 p.m. - Beitou District, riverside bikeway. |
