I'm trying to ignore that as I was drowning in sleep just days ago, my sleep has become an angry ocean of unpredictability and drowning in sleep is mashing up against bouts of inexplicable insomnia now, leading to inevitable bouts of fatigue and ennui.

And maybe drowning in sleep, which ironically may be contributing to or causing the insomnia, isn't quite that bad to the extent that I'm preferring many days to just lie in bed listening to music instead of getting up and, you know, doing something. Anything.

It's depressive behavior, I know, and only one of many clear signs of clinical depression, if there were anyone to see the signs. However, I still deny that I'm a depressed person. Depression is not a part of my identity, it doesn't identify me.

These signs of depression, this depressive behavior is the natural consequences of how I've lived my life, the decisions I've made, the directions I've taken, and the experiences I've had. Just about anyone who would have lived my life would be clinically depressed, so no surprises there.

And a quick internet self-diagnosis: Loss of interest in daily activities, check; persistent sadness or feeling of emptiness, qualifiable but for this purpose, check; sleep disturbances, check, check, big, black, and bouncing friggin' check; significant weight loss or gain, nope; loss of concentration, a qualfiable nope; fatigue, qualifiable nope; suicidal thoughts or behavior, I'll give that a qualifiable check.

And this is not at all mentioning the fact that if I went to a therapist and expressed any sort of suicidal thoughts, I'd get a big "depressed" stamp on my forehead, pro forma. But I don't think that's accurate. I could go to a therapist and be declared depressed and put on a regimen of anti-depressants, it's all the same to me.

And the difference is between what is natural and obvious in the material, normative world and the way I am and interpret things. On one hand, my parents have all the reason in the world to be "concerned" and if and when I do commit suicide, it will all be evident and make sense to all.

But if that's the whole story on my suicide, that really would be pitiful and should be disregarded. Not that my suicide shouldn't be disregarded by others, but it shouldn't be disregarded by me. For me it's part of my journey, it's a huge step, it's my exploration and my faith. Like when Indiana Jones takes that big leap of faith in the 3rd movie.

This depressive behavior is separate from my identity and I go through the motions of depressive behavior, but it's only the natural consequences of a set of causes and conditions of this life lived, whoever lived or lives this life. These causes and conditions may seem to outline the arc of my life story, but they don't define who I am on a basic level.

On a basic level, as a human being, I'm a spiritual being on a journey. And on a spiritual journey, it's not worth it to be depressed. The journey is full of wonder and discovery. And not in a "good" way, just a descriptive way. It's not worth it to not be "happy", it's not worth it to be bogged down by the things by which people get bogged down.

I really hope I'm close to the end of my life, and I'm finding reasons to not mind extending things into January, same old story, but I'm still confident that this is the end game. I'm not looking for something to take off or miraculously enter my life to give it meaning or change anything to make me "want to live". Jai guru deva om. Nothing's gonna change my world, and that's perfectly fine with me.