I'm not comfortable with this window being temporarily shut. It puts me on edge. It reminds me it's my age-old pattern of putting this off for specific time increments and that always leads to not doing anything. Not doing it.

And I might not do it, but I have to at least try. But if I suspicion I'm not going to do it, I might as well set forth the plan, go stand at the precipice, decide I'm not going to do it and then come home, put on a pot of coffee, pay my bills and slog on. Why wait a month in order to not do something?

My brother gave me an opening to go back to New Jersey. But moving back to the U.S. is something I just don't have the strength for unless I get this attempt out of the way. I can't even imagine changing apartments at this point. What's the point?

But for all I know the next failed attempt may just get me to ask for my job back at the Post. The hermit ideal, why can't I just be satisfied? Just settle here and move from day to day and stop chasing. I know I've considered this before, and it just doesn't happen like that. I know that much.

It's been a year since I quit my job. The world hasn't come forth and offered me anything indicating it wants me to stay. It's been a hell a lot longer than a year that the world has not given me any indication it wants me to stay.

I know, it's not the world's responsibility to come forth and indicate it wants me to stay. Fair 'nuff.

It's up to ourselves to find our way and reason to stay. My damn point is that I don't want to stay. Every day I look at people and I wonder why they are doing what they're doing. I can't think of one of their reasons that could be my reason. If the world doesn't want me to stay, and I don't want to stay, then I'm just a fucking idiot for still being here. It's that simple.

As I've said before, I've been suicidal ever since I learned about the concept. Suicide. What's that? It's when you kill yourself. ...You can do that?! I think my introduction to the concept had something to do with Japan. Kamikaze? Bushido code? Yukio Mishima's "Spring Snow"?

A lot has changed through the years, though, the least of which has been my motivation. In the early years, even I admit that my reasons were bad ones. But aside from reasons and motivations, it's gotten to the point that the very definition has changed, and A) suicide is no longer the killing of the self; and B) no matter how I die, I will personally consider it suicide. All of this I've discussed before.

What I would like, and I don't know if I have the station to make this claim, is that my suicide be as an offering. One that benefits me and the people who are vaguely around me. I'll even go so far as to arrogantly offer it as a teaching. Even if it's not appreciated by them. I don't feel it's arrogant, but others may interpret it as much if I said it as such.

I don't want to be here. No one has given any indication they want me to be here except in the most general, mundane, spare-them-the-suffering-of-"losing"-someone way. If they wanted me to be here otherwise, then they should have given some indication.

They didn't, so I think I'm safe in saying no one is concerned about my being here. If they were concerned, then they're the idiots for not indicating as such. The value in my death is that it wouldn't rock anyone's world, but it would still stand as a symbol that shit happens. I can live with that.

No one has the right to be substantively affected by my dying. I was affected by Ritu's death, but I didn't have the right to be substantively affected by it. I was affected by her death, and then it went away and I can't conjure the feeling I had when I got the news no matter how I try. However, she did have people who were substantively affected by her death, I'm sure.

No one has the right to be substantively affected by my death. Not even my parents. Especially my parents. They're the ones who need to learn something. For them, this would be rapping their knuckles with a ruler. That's all they deserve from my dying, but otherwise they have little rights.