Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I've just been confounded as to what to make of this trip to New Jersey. It was completely unplanned and I even had to rush add pages to my passport days before my flight. I don't think it was even two weeks since it was suggested I return for a visit and the actual flight. As such, I didn't put the time I spent here to any good use. I managed the trip to Philly, but I didn't get into New York once, and I never seriously considered going up to Blue Cliff Monastery for a visit. This was more or less an extension of the useless way I've been squandering my time in Taiwan.

And I think I'm going to declare this trip a total wash. It was useless. I was useless. I have no relationship with my parents. There's no connection and it's basically just some twisted form of obligation. In Taiwan, sometimes I visit Kaohsiung and one of my cousins there has little to no contact with his father. He doesn't sit with them for meals, he takes what he wants, doesn't contribute if he doesn't want to, and that's fine because it's family and he's the child.

That's in contrast to my feeling that effort should always be made to have a connection, talk as much as possible, have a real feeling as family. But being with my parents here, I'm feeling I got it wrong, and my cousin got it right. They don't need to feel any connection, they don't need to sit down at meals and chat. They're satisfied just to provide the basics and that's it.

I gave up encouraging my father to write down his life stories, concluding that he probably doesn't have anything worth being remembered. Well, no. The worth he has to contribute is not worth pushing him to act when he doesn't want to and only puts up resistance. And I'll say this as dispassionately as I possibly can: I have no love for them. I despise them. Deep down. It's not even an emotion anymore. It's fact, it's family history. Intellectually I can justify and tolerate them, but it's just responsibility. Behaviorally, for most part we get along just fine.

For their part, I don't think they feel much different. They just don't blog or even think about it. They have their own cultural bias and perspective, and I say this as dispassionately as I can, but their feelings toward me may be some equivalent of despising. Contempt maybe. They don't understand me, they don't respect me. They are confounded at how they perceive me. They are confounded at what a disappointment I am.

As little legacy they will leave and will likely be forgotten in a generation or two, I think if I disappeared or if it came out that I committed suicide, I think they would actively try to erase any physical remnants or memories of my having been here. They'll make sure I don't leave anything for anyone, not because they don't want me to leave anything for anyone, but it's just their mindset to just get rid of all my stuff since it's useless and has no worth to them.

That's what I think. Or maybe that's just the feeling I'm getting out of this visit. I just know I don't feel good about this visit, and it may take me a while to figure out how it fits in with what I'm doing or not doing in Taiwan, and what it means for any future decision. And I am part dreading returning to Taiwan and falling into that same useless, worthless routine that I've been in for the last year plus.