I guess the big surprise is how comfortable I was returning to Taiwan. Being in the U.S. started becoming just a haze of unreality and limbo; albeit comfortable like drowning in honey. I didn't want to leave and I didn't want to stay. My departure date came suddenly and too quick and I didn't feel ready to leave.

I didn't feel like I made any connection there nor accomplished anything. I gave up on setting up a blog for my father or any hope of possibly giving his life extended meaning by setting down in words what his life was. I sure don't know anything about his life. I'm not sure who does or whether it will all be forgotten once he's gone. In the end, that just may be his fate. That may just be what he wants.

The last two weeks, I barely had any interaction with my parents. It seemed like it was no matter that the time I was there visiting was limited. It came to seem like we were all waiting for it to come to an end so we could all go back to our regular lives and not have the nagging feeling in the back of our minds that my time visiting was limited.

My relationship with my brothers is just what it is. I guess I can't say expectations weren't met because we have no expectations. Things are fine between us, but. I guess we could've spent more time with each other, time to just mellow just be comfortable.

I'm thinking this is what Thich Nhat Hanh may mean when he relates that the greatest gift you can give is your presence. The best quality time you can have with other people is when it's not rushed, when the time you spent is just time you spend with them.

But the way it was, they were both busy and had other stuff to do, me too I suppose, and the time we did spend together was very conscious of itself and a conversation rarely just got comfortable to the point that we could just shoot the shit and let the conversation evolve and talk about our concerns and say what was really on our minds.

I spent the most time with my sister-in-law, and again I have no complaints about that, although she has 3 small children, and so of course that's where her priorities are, and accommodating that was also my focus. I didn't want to be a burden or draw her away from that, and I did want to be useful whenever possible.

The wild card connection was with my other brother's children in Philadelphia. Even though they call me by the wrong name, which is not cool on the part of my brother, I love those kids. My cousin's daughter Gracie will always hold a special place for me, but she will always be that much farther from me because of my now threadbare relationship with my cousin.

But it was very comfortable returning here. I'm not sure when was the moment when it became comfortable, whether it was immediately after I was dropped off at the airport and got a Jamba Juice as a last taste of the U.S., or whether after I landed in Taipei and found it raining and plotting the best way to get home, or sometime else during the journey.

But I was definitely comfortable by the time I lugged my luggage up the last steps and found myself in the isolation of my room. Isolation is best alone. Isolation is not so satisfying when accompanied by family members, in-laws and family and nephews and nieces.