Why haven't I done what I want to do? My head is still too filled up with things that I'm attached to. There's still just too much superficial stuff going on around and around in my head...

Some of the worst thoughts about not wanting to pursue this aspiration come to me when I first wake up. Then as I gain more normative consciousness, a more rational mindset occurs, for better or worse. Worse, because I find myself confused or conflicted.

Regarding all this stuff in my head, I hold to the mantra that nothing whatsoever should be clung to. So even if I have certain mental preoccupations and tendencies that suggest that I'm still attached to certain things, I'm still constantly telling myself to not be attached to these things.

Experience them, but don't be attached. And I hope the mental karma of the tendency of telling myself not to be attached is stronger than the mental karma of the suggestion of attachment. By karma, I mean anything experienced through the senses which contributes to the unenlightened notion that I'm an independent, continuous, self-existing entity in the universe.

Furthermore, I'm still impressed from going way back into my archives and realizing my goal has been constant over years and years. OK, decades, I'm old! It's possible that a tendency towards suicide as a mental illness can persist across the span of time as it has for me, but in those cases, I think there are always signs of mental illness that manifest that other people can recognize.

I don't think I'm mentally ill, although I may exhibit behaviors that are symptomatic of mental illness. I even recognize them myself (which in an inverted Catch-22 confirms I'm not mentally ill). For me the symptoms are kind of a pathway to my unorthodox goal. Other people get there from being mentally ill, which I suppose is too bad and warrants sympathy.

There must be a peer group somewhere in the world for people like me. It would be a whole lot easier if I had a support group. Not just one willing to send me off, but also understands the reasons I'm doing this. I also wouldn't mind a ride if anyone has a car.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I know if I don't do this, it's not going to go away, and it will continually come up as an issue. I'd like it to be now. I'm trying for now. For the past several months I've kept it just a few days ahead. Walls, I'm thinking of calling them. And they've all been soft walls as I've just blown through them.

I'm starting to face hard walls now, meaning that if I continue to blow past the days without doing anything, it's getting more and more dire, ultimately ending in a decision to return to the States. By year's end at the latest.

Hard walls because if I don't go through with it, everything looks bad. From the simple logistics of moving back to the States to the long term realization that I'm not resolving anything and will end up back in this position again.

Hm, "not resolving". . . life is about solving problems and resolving issues. It's not that I'm trying to resolve anything. If I continue living, then resolution becomes an issue, a necessity. My paradigm is that it is not an issue. Or not supposed to be an issue. Or learning on the spiritual path that it's really not an issue.

My paradigm is that this just has to happen. This is what I need to do. I'm not supposed to need to resolve anything!