Where I am may perhaps look bleak, but I keep reminding myself that this is where I've brought myself, and as such I can just accept it and keep looking at what I'm trying to do in the face.

I don't know when was the last time I saw someone I know. I'm pretty sure it was my former Mandarin teacher for a language exchange. I think that might have been in June. She asked about meeting up maybe a month or two ago, but I declined. I was already in my groove. I don't owe anyone anything. Not even meeting up. And I've completely given up on even pretending to study Mandarin. No matter what happens, there's just no point to it.

Tako, a former Taipei acquaintance, messaged me about meeting up about a month ago. She said she wanted to meet with me before she left for Australia. I had no idea that she was going to Australia. I think I last saw her in March. I declined. I told her I didn't want to meet up just to say goodbye. That may have been just a dramatic way of covering up how I don't feel comfortable in any social situation anymore. I don't think I could keep a simple conversation, perhaps merely for the reason that I'd get too bored even trying to maintain one.

I've lost interest in my web presence. One by one, each of my sites have fallen by the wayside. There's just this one last blog here and a very meager presence on Facebook. Photography is now totally gone. No interest, no seeing.

I keep my phone turned off for most part because I got sick of it reminding me to recharge it every few days. I turned it on today and found 2 text messages from cousins. I'll respond to one because all she wants to know is that everything is alright. I'll tell her everything is alright and that should be the end of that. The other message isn't even worth consideration. It was an obligatory text that I'm guessing some other family member pushed him to send because he's in Taipei. I really don't know what these people are doing. If they wanted to be in contact with me, they should've contacted me before. Now I'm simply not interested.

Insomnia still occasionally visits, as do spells of drowning in sleep. The bottle-of-alcohol-every-other-day buying persists. Lying on my bed for long periods of time while unable to do anything else listening to music on my iPod sounds like depressive behavior, but music is still such a joy. I'm still working on the illusion of music being a source of anything substantial. Certainly not something that should or could be clung to.

I still don't know why I'm balking at the next attempt. It's definitely the only thing what's next.