It's safe to say that my current life is only about distracting myself from my purported goal in life. And I tell myself if not for these distractions I use to distract myself, I would likely get on with it. There isn't anything left to say, I've said it all before.
You know, just 15 years ago it wasn't so easy to get onto the internet, and there weren't the structures on the internet that made it so essential to people's lives as it is today. Back then it was a rudimentary, burgeoning research tool and porn. Porn was there from the start.
But even 15 years ago, I had my distractions. However, 15 years ago my distractions were more substantive and had more potential for personal meaning. Remove my current distractions, I'm not sure I'd be able to conjure up other distractions.
And even though there's nothing left to say because I've said it all before, there is still looking back at the path that got me here. Lots of precious moments, lots of crashing and burning.
I do think I've been somewhat successful in transforming myself into a more benign entity that will leave less of a footprint on this physical, manifest world, and less attachment to karma creating activity or being. Shutting down the ego and the ego-attachment.
I think I have been quite successful in transforming negative impulses into understanding and compassion. Transforming victimized self-pity into understanding and positive letting go.
I do think I'm a very different person from just two years ago. Just looking back at two years ago, and I don't understand that person that was me. I don't understand what that person was doing or what that person's motivation was.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I just realized this blog just passed its 10 year anniversary. The first post was February 12, 2002. How many personal blogs have survived this long? All of the bloggers I connected with back then have long since stopped.
The so-called blogosphere has completely changed since then. Now the blogosphere is filled with pundits and opinion-makers. Any buzz in the blogosphere is about news. Back then it was about personal expression. Individuals who just wanted to say something. I suppose that's what this blog continues to try to be.
And how things have changed for me in 10 years. And not. Suicide was my goal long before this blog was created. Now, 10 years later, I feel I'm closer to that goal than ever before. Meaning 10 years ago, I was a lot farther from that goal than I would've admitted at the time.
Foolish. I was still social back then. I was still engaged. I still did things. Now I'm totally isolated and non-social in a foreign land. I've stopped doing all the things that I considered my identity before. I've stopped playing music altogether. I don't run anymore, I don't cycle except to further my next attempt.
I've completely gone on a tangent, immersing myself in Korean entertainment media that no one I know understands, much less shares. I personally think it's the future life resonance that will have me angling for my next life in South Korea.
I do hope this blog will end soon. I don't see any realistic future otherwise. Yet I still have my attachments. Things I'm clinging to, when nothing whatsoever should be clung to.
The so-called blogosphere has completely changed since then. Now the blogosphere is filled with pundits and opinion-makers. Any buzz in the blogosphere is about news. Back then it was about personal expression. Individuals who just wanted to say something. I suppose that's what this blog continues to try to be.
And how things have changed for me in 10 years. And not. Suicide was my goal long before this blog was created. Now, 10 years later, I feel I'm closer to that goal than ever before. Meaning 10 years ago, I was a lot farther from that goal than I would've admitted at the time.
Foolish. I was still social back then. I was still engaged. I still did things. Now I'm totally isolated and non-social in a foreign land. I've stopped doing all the things that I considered my identity before. I've stopped playing music altogether. I don't run anymore, I don't cycle except to further my next attempt.
I've completely gone on a tangent, immersing myself in Korean entertainment media that no one I know understands, much less shares. I personally think it's the future life resonance that will have me angling for my next life in South Korea.
I do hope this blog will end soon. I don't see any realistic future otherwise. Yet I still have my attachments. Things I'm clinging to, when nothing whatsoever should be clung to.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
This blog has gotten hits from two cryptic google searches: "suicide due to failure karma" and "suicide with least karma". Obviously I have no idea what was on these people's minds, but I'm intrigued enough to reflect and comment.
The most logical interpretation of "suicide due to failure karma" to me is, "what karma is attached to a suicide committed as a result of (some perceived personal) failure?".
And I think "suicide with least karma" might mean, "what kind of suicide has the least karmic effect?".
As always, I strongly disagree with any notion that karma is some moral model. It's not "what goes around comes around". Karma is just about mental imprints in our own consciousness (causes) that perpetuate themselves due to whatever effect they have on us (effects). Any irony or morality attributed to the concept of karma is all human projection.
And my favorite quote regarding karma is, "every moment is a karma creating moment; every moment is a karma manifesting moment". Everything any entity does relates to karma. Just being is karma because just the sensation or idea of being here, experiencing reality through our perceptions, perpetuates and maintains a concept that what we are and experience is reality.
Insects, animals, bacteria, humans – anything that lives in any perceived reality on this planet – perpetuates their own being as a result of karma. As sentient beings, any and every thought and experience is karma, both manifesting and creating.
To break out of the cycle of samsaric existence and the relentless cause and effect of karmic being, i.e. enlightenment, is to fundamentally break any idea or concept of one's being or any being that leads to continued ideas of perceived being or the reality of perceived being.
So regarding "what karma is attached to a suicide committed as a result of some perceived personal failure", I'd say it depends on one's own mental state, which includes "perceived personal failure". Actually, that might be the key karma involved.
No one is in fact a failure. Failure is a personal decision and judgment upon one's life. So as intense an experience as suicide may be, that perceived perception of failure may be very strong karma (or attachment), that can carry over to future existences.
If a person is concerned about karmic effects, I would advise against committing suicide. Karmically, a being would gain far more by confronting those negative issues and dealing with them and understanding them and how they relate towards being.
Regarding "suicide with least karma or least karmic effect", that's interesting to me because I do agree with the notion of greater or lesser karmic effect. Every thought, speech or act has karmic effect, but to lesser or greater degrees.
To that, though, I would state my belief that karma is personal. For any karmic creating moment (meaning all moments), there is a ripple effect, but the most important effect is on oneself. How anyone's actions create a reaction in other people is those other persons' karma.
Karma isn't some objective mechanism that decides between morally good or bad. So a suicide with the least karmic effect is one in which one truly realizes the essence of being, that nothing whatsoever should be clung to.
To the degree a being is attached to perceived reality, one's karma is affected by one's suicide. And very few suicides are committed with a true understanding of reality. Thich Nhat Hanh has argued that monks who have immolated themselves for political/humanitarian causes committed suicide with that true understanding of reality.
They're not martyrs, just examples of realization. They understand that in the ultimate dimension nothing should be clung to, including their own being.
But a strong humanitarian message can be conveyed to alleviate other people's suffering in the physically manifest reality by such an intense act. That sort of selflessness is required for a suicide with little negative karmic effect.
So suicide with the least karmic effect depends on the individual. If there is attachment, there will be varying degrees of karmic effect. If there is some degree of non-attachment, there will be lesser degrees of karma.
And quite honestly, most people contemplating suicide do not have that degree of non-attachment, so if Buddhism is some sort of guide to these people, I say don't do it. Work it out. Make it work.
The most logical interpretation of "suicide due to failure karma" to me is, "what karma is attached to a suicide committed as a result of (some perceived personal) failure?".
And I think "suicide with least karma" might mean, "what kind of suicide has the least karmic effect?".
As always, I strongly disagree with any notion that karma is some moral model. It's not "what goes around comes around". Karma is just about mental imprints in our own consciousness (causes) that perpetuate themselves due to whatever effect they have on us (effects). Any irony or morality attributed to the concept of karma is all human projection.
And my favorite quote regarding karma is, "every moment is a karma creating moment; every moment is a karma manifesting moment". Everything any entity does relates to karma. Just being is karma because just the sensation or idea of being here, experiencing reality through our perceptions, perpetuates and maintains a concept that what we are and experience is reality.
Insects, animals, bacteria, humans – anything that lives in any perceived reality on this planet – perpetuates their own being as a result of karma. As sentient beings, any and every thought and experience is karma, both manifesting and creating.
To break out of the cycle of samsaric existence and the relentless cause and effect of karmic being, i.e. enlightenment, is to fundamentally break any idea or concept of one's being or any being that leads to continued ideas of perceived being or the reality of perceived being.
So regarding "what karma is attached to a suicide committed as a result of some perceived personal failure", I'd say it depends on one's own mental state, which includes "perceived personal failure". Actually, that might be the key karma involved.
No one is in fact a failure. Failure is a personal decision and judgment upon one's life. So as intense an experience as suicide may be, that perceived perception of failure may be very strong karma (or attachment), that can carry over to future existences.
If a person is concerned about karmic effects, I would advise against committing suicide. Karmically, a being would gain far more by confronting those negative issues and dealing with them and understanding them and how they relate towards being.
Regarding "suicide with least karma or least karmic effect", that's interesting to me because I do agree with the notion of greater or lesser karmic effect. Every thought, speech or act has karmic effect, but to lesser or greater degrees.
To that, though, I would state my belief that karma is personal. For any karmic creating moment (meaning all moments), there is a ripple effect, but the most important effect is on oneself. How anyone's actions create a reaction in other people is those other persons' karma.
Karma isn't some objective mechanism that decides between morally good or bad. So a suicide with the least karmic effect is one in which one truly realizes the essence of being, that nothing whatsoever should be clung to.
To the degree a being is attached to perceived reality, one's karma is affected by one's suicide. And very few suicides are committed with a true understanding of reality. Thich Nhat Hanh has argued that monks who have immolated themselves for political/humanitarian causes committed suicide with that true understanding of reality.
They're not martyrs, just examples of realization. They understand that in the ultimate dimension nothing should be clung to, including their own being.
But a strong humanitarian message can be conveyed to alleviate other people's suffering in the physically manifest reality by such an intense act. That sort of selflessness is required for a suicide with little negative karmic effect.
So suicide with the least karmic effect depends on the individual. If there is attachment, there will be varying degrees of karmic effect. If there is some degree of non-attachment, there will be lesser degrees of karma.
And quite honestly, most people contemplating suicide do not have that degree of non-attachment, so if Buddhism is some sort of guide to these people, I say don't do it. Work it out. Make it work.
Friday, February 10, 2012
I went up to Danshui on Monday. It was a rare warm, sunny day. It gave hope that La Nina was moving off and the constant rain and drear since all of last summer was coming to an end. But by late night Monday/early Tuesday, it was raining again.
And it has been relentless and temperatures have plummeted again. Monday was nature's way of giving northern Taiwan a big fuck you. I say relentless, but there have been brief periods where I haven't heard rain outside, and periods where it became a drizzle. Actually, right now I don't hear rain outside.
Needless to say, I haven't ventured up to Danshui again for what I consider now needed dress rehearsals. I've barely been able to get out of bed, much less force myself out of the apartment.
I wonder what this isolation has been doing to me psychologically. I don't want to say there has been much psychological effect, because I've been through psychological difficulties and they were a product of who I was and my experience at the time.
Ultimately, I decided I do have control over myself, my mind and my emotions, and those psychological and mental health issues were insubstantial and became irrelevant in the face of mindfulness training.
I know I have psychological issues, but they're in one realm of my being. During my stay at the monastery, one monk made me realize that becoming a monk meant having to deal with those hard issues involving my parents. Who knows? Maybe that was one reason that I declined becoming a monk.
I know I have psychological issues regarding my parents in one realm of my being. But on another realm of my being, those things are insubstantial and shouldn't be clung to or dwelt upon.
If I were to emphasize my having an identity in this physical existence (i.e., I'm a monk, I have a job, I am this person, I'm a musician, I'm a cyclist), I would have to deal with it. But I want to emphasize just moving on, get on with what I think my goal is, and this physical existence is acknowledged as temporary, transient, illusory.
There may be a psychological effect from this isolation and this alcoholism, but they are not important, not significant, not substantial. And that realization is the most important.
And it has been relentless and temperatures have plummeted again. Monday was nature's way of giving northern Taiwan a big fuck you. I say relentless, but there have been brief periods where I haven't heard rain outside, and periods where it became a drizzle. Actually, right now I don't hear rain outside.
Needless to say, I haven't ventured up to Danshui again for what I consider now needed dress rehearsals. I've barely been able to get out of bed, much less force myself out of the apartment.
I wonder what this isolation has been doing to me psychologically. I don't want to say there has been much psychological effect, because I've been through psychological difficulties and they were a product of who I was and my experience at the time.
Ultimately, I decided I do have control over myself, my mind and my emotions, and those psychological and mental health issues were insubstantial and became irrelevant in the face of mindfulness training.
I know I have psychological issues, but they're in one realm of my being. During my stay at the monastery, one monk made me realize that becoming a monk meant having to deal with those hard issues involving my parents. Who knows? Maybe that was one reason that I declined becoming a monk.
I know I have psychological issues regarding my parents in one realm of my being. But on another realm of my being, those things are insubstantial and shouldn't be clung to or dwelt upon.
If I were to emphasize my having an identity in this physical existence (i.e., I'm a monk, I have a job, I am this person, I'm a musician, I'm a cyclist), I would have to deal with it. But I want to emphasize just moving on, get on with what I think my goal is, and this physical existence is acknowledged as temporary, transient, illusory.
There may be a psychological effect from this isolation and this alcoholism, but they are not important, not significant, not substantial. And that realization is the most important.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
OK, enough of this silliness.
I've gone up to Danshui several times since I last mentioned going there a few months ago. The trips haven't been dress rehearsals, more scoping out the coast for other location options. In the end, the best location is the first one I scoped, right at the mouth of the Danshui River.
From here on in, I think I'll start going to Danshui as often as possible as dress rehearsals. Preparing myself as if this might be the attempt.
One thing I found on my most recent trip was that the attempt will be conditioned on coastal conditions. The waves along Taiwan's coasts can be pretty rough, making my plan difficult. So a final 'go' will be determined by getting there and finding the sea is relatively calm.
I've been learning things each time I've gone up to Danshui about how I want things to be and things I want to take into consideration (such as what is not a legitimate consideration). So much does not matter anymore that most "considerations" I've had in the past are no longer valid.
I've gone up to Danshui several times since I last mentioned going there a few months ago. The trips haven't been dress rehearsals, more scoping out the coast for other location options. In the end, the best location is the first one I scoped, right at the mouth of the Danshui River.
From here on in, I think I'll start going to Danshui as often as possible as dress rehearsals. Preparing myself as if this might be the attempt.
One thing I found on my most recent trip was that the attempt will be conditioned on coastal conditions. The waves along Taiwan's coasts can be pretty rough, making my plan difficult. So a final 'go' will be determined by getting there and finding the sea is relatively calm.
I've been learning things each time I've gone up to Danshui about how I want things to be and things I want to take into consideration (such as what is not a legitimate consideration). So much does not matter anymore that most "considerations" I've had in the past are no longer valid.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
OK, enough of this silliness, but having brought it up, might as well wrap it up. And thanks to the internet, SNSD's Letterman performance was online in hours:
Sunny looks hilarious in her opening pose while Letterman is wrapping up with Regis and Bill Murray. I have a feeling Sunny's English isn't good enough to understand anything they're saying, so she doesn't know when they're going to start.
It's an impressive performance, probably the best one I've seen, no doubt in no small part because they re-tooled the song to incorporate live drums, keyboards and a DJ (I don't know if that's a requirement for performing on Letterman, it may be. I can't think of any performance on Letterman that used playback. But since K-pop is based on playbacks, maybe this was the compromise).
The performance just feels much more visceral than their Korean TV promotions, and the added dance break in the middle also helps the energy. The live bass drum adds bottom-end oomph to make up for the lack of bass on the recording, which was my major pet peeve. And this broadcast also makes me realize how crappy the camera work is on the Korean TV shows. This is like the best I've seen for a Korean idol group. Ever.
Like I've said a hundred times already, I didn't think the song was great, but after hearing it dozens of times through their promotions, I've gotten used to it and there are some elements that are catchy.
That's not saying much though since there have been other groups with songs that I absolutely hated when they started promotions, but then by the time they ended a month or two later, I would love the song and be a fan.
And I take back what I said before, if I never came to Asia and gotten into K-pop, and if my first exposure was seeing this, I would probably have been intrigued enough to look them up. Of course, that's based on the energy and the live musicians, but the hook would've been in.
One thing I wouldn't have been doing is the K-pop geeking out thing and noticing things like how close Sunny gets to Paul Shafer's keyboard. And that melding of something that is very familiar to me from my past with something I'm currently unreasonably fanatical about is still very weird.
Sunny looks hilarious in her opening pose while Letterman is wrapping up with Regis and Bill Murray. I have a feeling Sunny's English isn't good enough to understand anything they're saying, so she doesn't know when they're going to start.
It's an impressive performance, probably the best one I've seen, no doubt in no small part because they re-tooled the song to incorporate live drums, keyboards and a DJ (I don't know if that's a requirement for performing on Letterman, it may be. I can't think of any performance on Letterman that used playback. But since K-pop is based on playbacks, maybe this was the compromise).
The performance just feels much more visceral than their Korean TV promotions, and the added dance break in the middle also helps the energy. The live bass drum adds bottom-end oomph to make up for the lack of bass on the recording, which was my major pet peeve. And this broadcast also makes me realize how crappy the camera work is on the Korean TV shows. This is like the best I've seen for a Korean idol group. Ever.
Like I've said a hundred times already, I didn't think the song was great, but after hearing it dozens of times through their promotions, I've gotten used to it and there are some elements that are catchy.
That's not saying much though since there have been other groups with songs that I absolutely hated when they started promotions, but then by the time they ended a month or two later, I would love the song and be a fan.
And I take back what I said before, if I never came to Asia and gotten into K-pop, and if my first exposure was seeing this, I would probably have been intrigued enough to look them up. Of course, that's based on the energy and the live musicians, but the hook would've been in.
One thing I wouldn't have been doing is the K-pop geeking out thing and noticing things like how close Sunny gets to Paul Shafer's keyboard. And that melding of something that is very familiar to me from my past with something I'm currently unreasonably fanatical about is still very weird.
Follow up: Girls' Generation arriving at the Ed Sullivan Theater
I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe just, see?!, they are really popular. But, I know, big whoop. And this reception is nothing compared to what they get when they arrive at places across Asia. I'm really curious to see how the performance was received or if these fans got in.
I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe just, see?!, they are really popular. But, I know, big whoop. And this reception is nothing compared to what they get when they arrive at places across Asia. I'm really curious to see how the performance was received or if these fans got in.
I dunno. It just seems sort of surreal or even insane that K-pop girl group Girls' Generation are going to be musical guests on the Late Show with David Letterman on the night of January 31st. Even as I type this at 3 AM in Taiwan on February 1st local (2 PM, Jan 31st, EST), I suspect they are preparing to head to the Ed Sullivan Theater for the performance.
True, Girls' Generation are the leading K-pop girl group in Korea and likely all of Asia. True, I'm a fan of their cult of personality and will watch any Korean variety or reality show that they appear on. True, I think most of the songs they promote are quite good and worthy, given what it is – pop music.
But I also know U.S. racism, and I also know the Letterman audience, and I wonder if SNSD know that this might be a make or break performance.
K-pop boy band Big Bang winning MTV's European world band award in Dublin and girl group 2NE1 winning MTV's Iggy award for best new band both make sense compared to any idea that SNSD will be well-accepted by Letterman's viewership.
Even Western pop music has no credibility on the Letterman stage.
No doubt they will be performing their latest track, The Boys, and since they recorded it in English for their last CD, I suspect they put in extra practice to perform it in English. As I've opined before, The Boys is the only song they've promoted after I got into them with "Gee" that I think isn't great. It's OK, it's alright, it's not great.
And aside from their promoted tracks, their albums and releases are largely filler. In my earlier days of being harsh about pop music, I would have considered the vast majority of their output, none of which they have any creative input or control over, total crap. There, I said it.
Like I said, I've been drawn into their cult of personality, I know what they're worth and I love them and wish upon them success, but I'm definitely worried about their reception.
I predict easily over 50% of the audience will view their performance slack-jawed thinking, "wtfits?". Some lesser percentage will be intrigued and go, "huh, that was interesting". Some unknown percentage factor will be the hardcore K-pop/SNSD fans in the New York/New Jersey area that no doubt heard about their appearance and did everything they could to get into the audience that evening.
I predict less than 1% will see the performance and be intrigued and interested enough to look into them more and become fans. If I never came to Asia and gotten into K-pop, and saw this performance of The Boys on Letterman, truth be told, I doubt I would be taken in either. Strangely, I would also consider that my loss.
I hope I'm wrong and that times have changed and people are more open, and I'm glad that if Letterman chooses to talk to them, members Tiffany and Jessica are both Korean American and would be able to field questions and respond in a way that doesn't make them appear completely foreign to the audience.
True, Girls' Generation are the leading K-pop girl group in Korea and likely all of Asia. True, I'm a fan of their cult of personality and will watch any Korean variety or reality show that they appear on. True, I think most of the songs they promote are quite good and worthy, given what it is – pop music.
But I also know U.S. racism, and I also know the Letterman audience, and I wonder if SNSD know that this might be a make or break performance.
K-pop boy band Big Bang winning MTV's European world band award in Dublin and girl group 2NE1 winning MTV's Iggy award for best new band both make sense compared to any idea that SNSD will be well-accepted by Letterman's viewership.
Even Western pop music has no credibility on the Letterman stage.
No doubt they will be performing their latest track, The Boys, and since they recorded it in English for their last CD, I suspect they put in extra practice to perform it in English. As I've opined before, The Boys is the only song they've promoted after I got into them with "Gee" that I think isn't great. It's OK, it's alright, it's not great.
And aside from their promoted tracks, their albums and releases are largely filler. In my earlier days of being harsh about pop music, I would have considered the vast majority of their output, none of which they have any creative input or control over, total crap. There, I said it.
Like I said, I've been drawn into their cult of personality, I know what they're worth and I love them and wish upon them success, but I'm definitely worried about their reception.
I predict easily over 50% of the audience will view their performance slack-jawed thinking, "wtfits?". Some lesser percentage will be intrigued and go, "huh, that was interesting". Some unknown percentage factor will be the hardcore K-pop/SNSD fans in the New York/New Jersey area that no doubt heard about their appearance and did everything they could to get into the audience that evening.
I predict less than 1% will see the performance and be intrigued and interested enough to look into them more and become fans. If I never came to Asia and gotten into K-pop, and saw this performance of The Boys on Letterman, truth be told, I doubt I would be taken in either. Strangely, I would also consider that my loss.
I hope I'm wrong and that times have changed and people are more open, and I'm glad that if Letterman chooses to talk to them, members Tiffany and Jessica are both Korean American and would be able to field questions and respond in a way that doesn't make them appear completely foreign to the audience.
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