I hit a breaking point last week. I had gotten to a point where my appetite was pretty much gone. Even the littlest amount of nibbling or snacking – just because I felt I had to eat something – put me into a near catatonic nausea for hours. I have found indications on the internet that this isn't inconsistent with symptoms of alcohol-related liver disease.

You know, even if I don't mind dying from some alcohol-related disease, I would prefer not to feel like shit getting there. Let death come, but if it's misery without any certainty of death, nein, I say, nyet. Non, non, mon père.

I decided to cut back on drinking and see what happens.

Keeping track over the past month, I've been drinking between 5 and 6 bottles of liquor per week. Also keeping track of how many drinks per day, I consume between 13 and 16. This is likely my life peak. My consumption has progressively increased over the decades since college. There were points where I couldn't imagine my consumption increasing, but apparently I've always underestimated myself.

Just a few days in of cutting back, I'm consuming less than 10 drinks per day. Ten drinks a day is still considered a serious health risk. Whatever, I just don't want to feel like death daily. I'm not saying this can be maintained. I am aware of how insidious alcoholism is and that this scheme can crumble like a house of cards any day.

My technique is pretty simple. If I don't feel like a drink, I pass. If I don't feel all that good (about it), I pass. If I think about it and think I can pass, I pass. It just creates a longer space of time between drinks and that decreases consumption. On the other hand, at the end of days when I'm winding down and looking towards lights out, I can go three sheets to the wind and easily go over 10 drinks.

Already I feel better. Even without a major resumption of appetite, I have been able to eat without feeling too terrible. And yesterday I finally got out to the gym for the first time since early last summer to test my cardio doing the lightest of exercise. If not hunger, I did feel the need for fuel.

But even pushing back against not feeling like crap, I can't deny the direction things are heading. I still face eventual blindness from glaucoma since I'm still not going for treatment. And nothing's stopping my bank account from sinking lower and lower. And that's always something I've accepted as endgame.

And bottom line, just because I'm not drinking so much that I feel like crap any time I try to eat, I'm still probably drinking enough to make my liver eventually crawl up in a little scar-pocked ball of ineffectual tissue. Yay?

So my father had a stroke recently. And my sister-in-law's mother died recently. Illness, old age, death are naturally occurring sufferings in life, all becoming expected if not inevitable by the big bang of birth.

What attachment do I have left with people over there? My sister-in-law at least told me of her mother's death in a mass email. Nothing after that. I've already summed up the state of my relations with my brothers and mother. There's nothing to say about my father. He might die soon, he might recover. I hope he recovers, but that's a generic sentiment; there's no emotion involved in saying that.

I was being literal when I said that I'm just waiting to die, and they know nothing about my health and they're not asking, nor would I tell. I'm still not carrying my ID with me so if I die outside my apartment, no one's going to notice for months, probably long after the authorities require my John Doe (or whatever is the equivalent here) remains be disposed of.

Personally, I just can't bring myself to care about that or any effect my not caring might have on anyone. Part of me feels this exhibits a severe lack in compassion, but even wanting to develop compassion, this isn't something I can force. It's just not there.

There's no reason for me to ever go back to New Jersey. I can't imagine them asking me to come back for some vacation and my agreeing to it.

In fact, recently I've been wondering why I never pulled a Cindy on my parents. Cindy is my sister-in-law's oldest sister. Cindy is a medical doctor, has a supportive and present husband and two sons who seem to be turning out well in a normative way.

As the story goes, several years ago the mother made a comment on Cindy's weight and something just snapped. Mind you, from what I've seen there is no issue regarding Cindy's weight. But at that point, Cindy cut off all ties and communication with her mother. It was over, done. It wasn't about her weight, that was just a trigger for something long built up between them.

My sister-in-law hasn't always been able to stay out of the cross-fire. Not too long ago, there was some celebration for one of her children and she naively invited both her mother and Cindy, who baked a cake (on top of being a doctor, she's amazing in the kitchen). Apparently she was hoping for some rapprochement without any basis for that hope, and it ended badly. Cindy simply left and my sister-in-law went on her shit list.

When my sister-in-law told me the story, I sided with Cindy. What was she thinking? Since then, I've been open about my support for Cindy. Apparently I understood Cindy in a way that the other sisters struggled with. That aforementioned incident was a matter of respect, and my sister-in-law didn't show respect for either her feelings or experience. Cindy did not go to their mother's funeral.

I, however, had my own relationship with their mother, enough to perform a recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead for her after I got the news. It's not a reflection of what I think about their relationship. I don't think anything about their relationship, except that I accept Cindy's subjective view of it. I understand Cindy, but I had my own connection with their mother.

I absolutely don't know anything about the relationship between Cindy and her mother or how my relationship with my parents might be parallel or analogous. One thing I would like to point out is that Cindy did owe her education and career, even possibly any social or family status, to her parents' support.

My parents cannot claim even that. The previous blowout over the phone with my parents was partly about that. I had to spell it out to them that going to law school was the worst thing that ever happened to me. In their ultra-materialistic view of the world, they couldn't even grasp that concept.

I did make a principled decision not to blame them for my going to law school and I emphasized that it was the worst decision I ever made. I don't want that blame towards them in my karma. I want it cut if possible. I take full responsibility for my own life and decisions.

I didn't put any responsibility on them that it was something they pushed on me, even though without them I would never have even thought of going to law school. If they want to accept their role, it's up to them, I couldn't care less whether they do or not. It just is what it is.

The trade off is that whatever decisions I make about my own life now, including ever visiting them again or committing suicide, I really couldn't care less about their opinion or feelings about it. People do what they do, and there are always consequences.

Anyway, with no substantive, meaningful relations with people over there, I also have to let go of my relations with myself and my past. I've left my "relics" over there, but what would they care about any of that?

I guess I previously thought of my parents' house as a repository for my past. All the stuff that meant something to me or represented something of me is there. Photographs, CDs, instruments, books. I always assumed I would die before them and what happens to my stuff is not my issue. If they felt anything about me, they could do what they please with what I left behind.

But with my father's stroke, it becomes clear that they are also nearing death, and something is going to have to be done with my "stuff". And if I outlive them, then people are going to ask me what I want to do with my stuff.

Bottom line, it's all headed for the garbage. No legacy, no future influence. No one would care about what I left behind, or wonder what it meant. The instruments wouldn't be something available to the nieces and nephews if they take up any interest in music. No one there cares about my music collection or the books that were my education about the world. And actually, neither do I.

mix CD 2015, part one

The track list for the first 2015 mix CD fell into place ridiculously quick and easily (it was done by year's end). It still may change depending on how the second CD comes together, but this collection is pretty solid. Same as before, 2015 is set to be a double CD collection of predominantly K-pop girl groups.

Compiling the second CD looks like it's going to be a pain. Out of the candidates for the second CD mix, there are very few obvious segues (actually none), and key tracks like opening and closer or even where a lot of the tracks belong on a mix are elusive. Hey, I put a lot of thought into mix CD track order!

At least all but one track of the first CD has a YouTube video that's likely not going to be deleted (no dead links). I'll upload all the audio tracks to the cloud once the second mix is finished.

2015, part one
1. So Crazy (T-ara)
2. Crazy (4minute)
3. Um Oh Ah Yeh (Mamamoo) (adlib compilation)
4. Heart Attack (AoA)
5. Apple (Ga In (Brown Eyed Girls))
6. Like (CLC) (live full stage camcorder)
7. Celepretty (Park Bo Ram)
8. Phone Number (Tahiti)
9. Wiggle Wiggle (Hello Venus)
10. I'm a Woman, Too (Minah (Girl's Day))
11. Yes or No (Nine Muses)
12. You're Pitiful (Fiestar)
13. Into You (Hyosung (Secret)) (unofficial upload) (2020 new choreography)
14. Sugar Sugar (Laboum)
15. Don't Be Shy (feat Choa (AoA), Iron) (Primary)
16. Seductive (feat Jimin (AoA)) (Kang Min Hee)
17. Red Queen (feat Zion T) (IU)
18. Ah Yeah (EXID)
19. Bang Diggy Bang Bang (MFBTY)
20. Touch (Anda)
21. Broken Doll (Miwoo)
22. Get (feat Beenzino) (Urban Zakapa)
23. To.Mom (feat. Insooni) (Kisum) (unofficial upload)
24. Girl Crush (Mamamoo)

2014 mix CDs

I had another odd dream that may suggest that my brothers and I have been siblings in past lives and that I may have been the eldest. The odd part is that instead of a random, unfamiliar setting, this dream was set in this lifetime during the 80s at my parents' house.

Of course, we had our established places at the dinner table. I came down to the dinner table as me, the youngest, and I sat at my oldest brother's place and started eating. Then realizing I was eating my oldest brother's dinner, I felt guilty, faux pas, and slightly panicked at what I should do.

Also interesting about the dream is that there was only one other dinner at the table, not two others. So even though the setting was familiar, it might have been a past life resonance of just two brothers and I was the older one. I was actually eating the right dinner.

My brothers, either one or the other or both, have been appearing in my dreams frequently as of late. Not necessarily with any specific impression that they have anything to do with past lives. However, just that they've been appearing in my dreams may suggest that these dreams may be past life resonances.

Of course, in this lifetime we have no particular affinity towards each other. We grew up fighting like dogs, and when the fighting stopped, the detente has mostly been only cordial, albeit kind and supportive when called for. Not much that can be called close. There has never been any going out of our way to meet up, nor any interaction just because we like each other. Truth to tell, I don't even know if we do.

It might support the suggestion that there is an aspect of karma that is out of our hands. Karmic attachments aren't necessarily a matter of choice, but a matter of course, driven by cause and effect. And in this case, if we are connected by karma, it's not necessarily positive karma. Negative karma often can connect people to each other. Even as little as habit can connect people by karma. Even if the habit is hating each other.

Other than that, something about my dreams I've started to notice, going back for quite a while, is that a subtle focus of a vast majority of them is a domestic scene; my residence, where I'm living. The characters change, the actual domiciles are totally different, and the action in the dreams vary widely, but on a subtle level, there is a focus on the living quarters.

There's always an awareness of the physical space, the rooms, the layout, the construction, the style, the decor. No opinion about them, just awareness of what they are. I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe it's a reflection of the lack of home in my life.

I've never considered Taiwan home. Nor New Jersey, which if it was "home" when I was younger, it was always a hostile place. No people I consider home. I tried for home in San Francisco, but it was always undermined by dissatisfaction and the impulse towards suicide. 

My father apparently suffered a stroke while vacationing in Paris over the New Year. He was hospitalized for several weeks there, and scant information was relayed stateside until he was able to return to the U.S. in January.

It was my second oldest brother who filled me in on his condition; the brother who apparently decided on the cruise last summer that he wanted nothing to do with any distress I might be undergoing, even if it was right next to him.

Not that I want to involve him in any distress I might encounter, but instead of letting me disavow him of any concern, he made the affirmative point himself that no, he didn't give a shit. I don't know the reason he needed to express that so clearly, I don't know if it was the result of something I did or am that offends him. The facts just stand as they are with no analysis or examination.

So it was a surprise to hear the news from him. Our exchange was brief but substantive. I don't know why he took it upon himself to inform me. Someone may have asked him to. That actually makes more sense.

Usually I don't know about "situations" until after they're resolved and my mother calls to tell me and then it's just a discussion of what had happened. It's never a matter of keeping me in the loop of what's going on. My brother writing to me to "keep me in the loop" is not normal.

Him, January 20:

Sorry I haven’t emailed you in a while but I did want to make sure that you were aware of what is going on with dad.

Around Christmas time he and mom went on a trip to France but on their first day there he fell and wound up in the hospital in Paris. They diagnosed a stroke from bleeding in his brain (likely due to high blood pressure). During that time we didn’t have much information because mom’s phone didn’t work in France (I didn’t even hear about it until a week later when Uncle Aki called me). He was in the hospital for almost three weeks and eventually came back to NJ last Friday. He is still weak on his right side. He could walk on his own but was not very steady and his memory/thinking were still impaired. At one point within the first 24-48hrs of being home, he fell off his bed and they had to get Tom to come over to get him back up – so not very functional.

Last week Mom arranged for him to be admitted to a rehabilitation facility in Saddle Brook but after a few days he was admitted to Hackensack Hospital with a urinary tract infection and low blood pressure (urosepsis probably). Hopefully once the infection is under control and his blood pressure improves he will be able to go back to the rehab facility. Although I hope that he improves with his ability to walk/think, I don’t think that he will ever fully get back to his prior state of functioning – though hopefully I will be wrong.

I’ll let you know if there are any changes in the situation.

Take care,

My response, January 22:

Thanks for the update. Mom usually calls about these things after they've resolved, but this sounds a little more serious. It's possible he'll be alright, taking each issue one step at a time, medical issues first and then rehabilitation. It might take mom "bullying" him to both get better and more importantly to want to get things back to normal. He may have had hints of depression or melancholy in the past regarding his physical state. I've always pushed mom to engage his mind and emphasize things that stimulate him mentally. No idea what those things may be.

I expect mom maybe to be somewhat distressed by all this, but she's also a fighter in these situations. And if she can push him to fight, she's the one to do it. I hope everyone else is staying strong and positive. It's all natural, these things happen. It's in the nature of things. Freaking out and getting stressed or despondent doesn't really help. I've been pushing that on Grace regarding her mom for a while. Nature has a course and takes it. 

I guess you've heard about David Bowie. That hit me unusually harder than I would expect of any number of aging rock stars kicking the bucket. Most of the time, including Glen Frey, it's a little sad intellectually, but more of a send off of a great career and contribution, raise a glass, cheers. But Bowie ate at me for a few days. Now I kind of think that's what he wanted. The way it all unfolded was that he sort of made his death into performance art. He knew he was dying but he kept it a secret, then he works on his swan song final album and releases it on his 69th birthday, and then dies two days later. Art is aesthetic and some of the best is meant to jar people, and he did both! "Bowie releases new surprise album on 69th birthday". Two days later, "Bowie Dead". If you think of it as performance art, I'd expect no less from Bowie.

From him, Feb 5:

Just wanted to give you another update or two...

Dad recovered from his urosepsis and has been back at rehab for about a week. He is apparently doing okay although is still not very verbal - they aren't sure (as per mom) if this is because of damage to the language centers of his brain, cognitive issues, or that he is depressed. I think it will be a long road to recovery with persistent limitations. I'm trying to ease mom into the idea that dad will probably not fully recover but still let her have hope that he will improve.

And on another sad note, I don't know if you heard from Grace, but her mother passed away on Tuesday in hospice. She never really recovered from her heart surgery and subsequent multiple hospitalizations for various things. She had recently started dialysis for renal failure and had been progressively dwindling. In the end, she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and the family decided against continued aggressive medical care. Her funeral is going to be this Saturday.

And my last, Feb 7:

I suppose the tricky part is to "ease mom into the idea that dad will probably not fully recover but still let her have hope he will improve", but that's probably also the best and wisest approach to take. It's the hardest thing to get people to face that most obvious aspect of life, which is that nature takes its course (once it's accepted and understood, it becomes one of the most comforting aspects). 

On the other hand, I think mom isn't oblivious or hoping against hope, and realizes what his age means and what these medical problems mean. She certainly isn't stupid and has shown great adaptability and even wisdom in recent years (in contrast, as smart as dad is, I haven't seen much evidence of either adaptability or wisdom; more stubbornness and selfishness (that's not judgment, just observation)). Mom may just be afraid of any changes and how she's going to get through it. I still think he can improve and be functional, but no one can be certain or over-optimistic.

The verbal issues may be a logical result of the stroke and any cognitive damage. It's positive that he recovered from urosepsis and is back in rehab. Whether the verbal impairment is medical or psychological is anybody's guess. Both should be addressed. I'm sure the medical aspect is, but for the mental aspect, stimulation should be targeted; things that interest him mentally. This may be my own personal projection, but his personal story and recording it might be something to engage him mentally. Mom says he's not interested in his past, but I don't know. It may be a matter of how and who. But if mom's right, so be it.

Grace has kept me in the loop about her mother, and as she was professed Buddhist, I've offered to offer up a ritual afterlife prayer recitation for her (Tibetan Book of the Dead). It isn't lost on me that I can't imagine what Grace and Peggy must be going through emotionally, nor that we might need to be preparing ourselves about dad, regardless of what we are hoping for him. I think I've noticed human mortality has been an interest of yours, and the death experience is something I've gone to lengths to familiarize myself with, but I also know that there's no bracing or preparing for it. When the news comes, it's a sucker punch in the gut. 

I've never quite understood why these topics are so hard to broach. I remember when grandfather got sick a few months after grandmother died in 1993, my first thought was "this is it, he's about to die". So I was shocked when I asked mom whether they would be going to Taiwan and she said no and that he'd be alright. Then of course he died and she wasn't there. That was the whole of our interaction, by the way, as we weren't exactly on conversational terms back then. If our interactions were like they are now, I would have spelled it out just like that, "Go, he's about to die!"

Anyway, thanks for handling whatever you can for them. Tom must be taking the brunt of it, but like I said, I usually only find out about things after mom contacts me after things have settled one way or another. I can't think of a single instance I've contacted mom; that's just how it's always been, the nature and symbol of our relationship. That said, I'll send Tom an email in the next few days and check up on him.

You're probably hearing news about the earthquake in Tainan. It was bad because it was so shallow, but didn't affect Taipei at all and I haven't heard of any impact on Kaohsiung. 

Monday is the start of Lunar New Year, are the kids' schools recognizing it like before? I hear it's the year the of fire-breathing monkey. Tough image to get out of my head.

My mother did call shortly after. It would make sense that she might have asked my brother to email me. It was so by the time we talked, I already knew. It wasn't breaking news, but just something to discuss.

Since that conversation, she called again and got a bug in her about my future, and the one thing that will set me off is if she starts suggesting things about my future. She has simply, as a parent, lost any right to make any suggestion about my future. The call ended badly and I won't be taking her calls for a while. Unless my father dies, then I'll take a call.

I hadn't heard anything from my oldest brother, the one whose mother-in-law died. He also lives in the same town as my parents, so I presumed he was in the thick of two emotional shit storms, on top of raising four kids and maintaining his medical practice.

As my birthday approached, I presumed he'd send me an email as he always does, but I thought I'd take any weight off whether to send a happy or concerned email by sending a preemptive email letting him know I knew what was going on and empathizing with his position. He did send back a message on my birthday, but it was the email equivalent of wet, cold spaghetti. In my hands, no gravy.

My email was to give him space to let me know his space without having to go through what I already knew, and his response was basically "meh". I don't know any other way to put it:

Happy Birthday,

Dad's stroke may be slowly improving or it might be mom's wishful thinking. It's hard to say. I'm not as optimistic as mom. We'll see. Next vacation won't be too far away. Grace is taking things better than Tessa. Hope all is well. Hope to see you later this year.
T

These are the bonds of this family. I'm affixing a tag of "negativity" to this post, but even though it may seem I'm being negative, I don't feel it that way. It's just the way it is. Maybe negative is unfortunately "just the way it is", but I have to let it be as it is.

I see no way to affect change, nor feel any impetus to do so. What do I have to do with any of these people?

As far as I'm concerned, I'm at the end of my life. I'm just waiting to die. I'm waiting to go blind from glaucoma or waiting for my bank account to run out or waiting for my hair to fall out or waiting for liver failure from years of drinking that now equates to just about drinking a bottle a day. Of liquor I mean, not beer.

Last year had that hilarious incident whereby I came across a teaching that implied my parents get credit for supporting a spiritual aspirant's endeavors by dumping all that money in my bank account. That was the only reason I agreed to go on that cruise.

Then between giving them credit and the actual cruise, they took the money back. I still haven't calculated how much I have left to live on, but it's immediately finite. So exactly what credit do they get? What do I owe them? Easily nothing. And I don't expect to go back to visit them this year or ever at all. Why would I? The circumstances will have to be very specific.

I certainly don't owe any of them continuing to live my life. OK, that earns the negativity tag, lol!

I guess I have written quite a bit about the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead. So much so that sometimes I'll think of a new idea during a recitation only to find that I've thought about it before and already written about it.

Something that may really be new is an idea that when doing a recitation, whatever is being recited wouldn't be "heard" in the death betweens like a person sitting next to you hearing you read something. Already I've come across suggestions that in the betweens there aren't barriers of form or language.

Traditionally in Tibet, as I understand, it was ideal if a trained lama did the recitation by the deceased's bedside and it would be recited in Tibetan. But as Tibetan teachings have spread beyond Tibet, ironically spurred by the Red China invasion of Tibet and the ongoing destruction of its culture, there has been recognition that the subtleties of the teachings go beyond "form or language".

Traditionally, these are things that may not have necessarily been considered. But with the spread of Tibetan teachings it's more recognized that the clarity of consciousness in the death betweens transcends language. Language understanding is a trait of concrete human existence, but not of the subtle existence in the betweens as a so-called mental body. And this interpretation is not sourced in the dispersion of Tibetan teachings, but in the work itself.

I'm thinking it's not a matter of language at all. It's not that a recitation can be performed in English and those words can be understood in whatever language the deceased knew. It's not the words that a between being "hears", but impressions, even intentions. It's a mental or emotional communication that is sent as human language, but is "heard" as energy of the intention of the words, not the literal translation of the words.

I don't know what I'm sending out with a recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead into an unknown dimension, it might be nothing, it might be fantasy, it might be fiction; or it might just redeem a person that we call a soul.

This idea came about from various specific descriptions of what a between-being may be experiencing, but it's actually a very lightly veiled example of a teaching. I would be wondering why a passage was being presented in this very specific way, clearly a basic teaching.

That led me to think it's not the words that necessarily matter, but reciting the words is sending the teaching as emotion or energy into the unknown and hoping it resonates and leads to something positive. The constant repetition of the deceased's name may attract the consciousness to the recitation, but what's being recited may be received as the deceased's own consciousness, instinct, impression or awareness.

I think maybe the work was composed in a certain culture, whereby the intent was that practitioners could be exposed to the images and guidance as part of practice, and after death when the recitation is done, they would be open to the guidance and recognize the images and remember the teachings and attain liberation.

I think maybe what makes this a sacred work is the template of guidance in the betweens. It doesn't matter that it uses Buddhist/Hindu imagery. If the book is studied and meditated upon, the insights come through and a recitation of it for a between-being may be of benefit.