It was my second oldest brother who filled me in on his condition; the brother who apparently decided on the cruise last summer that he wanted nothing to do with any distress I might be undergoing, even if it was right next to him.
Not that I want to involve him in any distress I might encounter, but instead of letting me disavow him of any concern, he made the affirmative point himself that no, he didn't give a shit. I don't know the reason he needed to express that so clearly, I don't know if it was the result of something I did or am that offends him. The facts just stand as they are with no analysis or examination.
So it was a surprise to hear the news from him. Our exchange was brief but substantive. I don't know why he took it upon himself to inform me. Someone may have asked him to. That actually makes more sense.
Usually I don't know about "situations" until after they're resolved and my mother calls to tell me and then it's just a discussion of what had happened. It's never a matter of keeping me in the loop of what's going on. My brother writing to me to "keep me in the loop" is not normal.
Him, January 20:
Sorry I haven’t emailed you in a while but I did want to make sure that you were aware of what is going on with dad.
Around Christmas time he and mom went on a trip to France but on their first day there he fell and wound up in the hospital in Paris. They diagnosed a stroke from bleeding in his brain (likely due to high blood pressure). During that time we didn’t have much information because mom’s phone didn’t work in France (I didn’t even hear about it until a week later when Uncle Aki called me). He was in the hospital for almost three weeks and eventually came back to NJ last Friday. He is still weak on his right side. He could walk on his own but was not very steady and his memory/thinking were still impaired. At one point within the first 24-48hrs of being home, he fell off his bed and they had to get Tom to come over to get him back up – so not very functional.
Last week Mom arranged for him to be admitted to a rehabilitation facility in Saddle Brook but after a few days he was admitted to Hackensack Hospital with a urinary tract infection and low blood pressure (urosepsis probably). Hopefully once the infection is under control and his blood pressure improves he will be able to go back to the rehab facility. Although I hope that he improves with his ability to walk/think, I don’t think that he will ever fully get back to his prior state of functioning – though hopefully I will be wrong.
I’ll let you know if there are any changes in the situation.
Take care,
My response, January 22:
Thanks for the update. Mom usually calls about these things after they've resolved, but this sounds a little more serious. It's possible he'll be alright, taking each issue one step at a time, medical issues first and then rehabilitation. It might take mom "bullying" him to both get better and more importantly to want to get things back to normal. He may have had hints of depression or melancholy in the past regarding his physical state. I've always pushed mom to engage his mind and emphasize things that stimulate him mentally. No idea what those things may be.
I expect mom maybe to be somewhat distressed by all this, but she's also a fighter in these situations. And if she can push him to fight, she's the one to do it. I hope everyone else is staying strong and positive. It's all natural, these things happen. It's in the nature of things. Freaking out and getting stressed or despondent doesn't really help. I've been pushing that on Grace regarding her mom for a while. Nature has a course and takes it.
I guess you've heard about David Bowie. That hit me unusually harder than I would expect of any number of aging rock stars kicking the bucket. Most of the time, including Glen Frey, it's a little sad intellectually, but more of a send off of a great career and contribution, raise a glass, cheers. But Bowie ate at me for a few days. Now I kind of think that's what he wanted. The way it all unfolded was that he sort of made his death into performance art. He knew he was dying but he kept it a secret, then he works on his swan song final album and releases it on his 69th birthday, and then dies two days later. Art is aesthetic and some of the best is meant to jar people, and he did both! "Bowie releases new surprise album on 69th birthday". Two days later, "Bowie Dead". If you think of it as performance art, I'd expect no less from Bowie.
From him, Feb 5:
Just wanted to give you another update or two...Dad recovered from his urosepsis and has been back at rehab for about a week. He is apparently doing okay although is still not very verbal - they aren't sure (as per mom) if this is because of damage to the language centers of his brain, cognitive issues, or that he is depressed. I think it will be a long road to recovery with persistent limitations. I'm trying to ease mom into the idea that dad will probably not fully recover but still let her have hope that he will improve.
And on another sad note, I don't know if you heard from Grace, but her mother passed away on Tuesday in hospice. She never really recovered from her heart surgery and subsequent multiple hospitalizations for various things. She had recently started dialysis for renal failure and had been progressively dwindling. In the end, she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and the family decided against continued aggressive medical care. Her funeral is going to be this Saturday.
And my last, Feb 7:
I suppose the tricky part is to "ease mom into the idea that dad will probably not fully recover but still let her have hope he will improve", but that's probably also the best and wisest approach to take. It's the hardest thing to get people to face that most obvious aspect of life, which is that nature takes its course (once it's accepted and understood, it becomes one of the most comforting aspects).
On the other hand, I think mom isn't oblivious or hoping against hope, and realizes what his age means and what these medical problems mean. She certainly isn't stupid and has shown great adaptability and even wisdom in recent years (in contrast, as smart as dad is, I haven't seen much evidence of either adaptability or wisdom; more stubbornness and selfishness (that's not judgment, just observation)). Mom may just be afraid of any changes and how she's going to get through it. I still think he can improve and be functional, but no one can be certain or over-optimistic.
The verbal issues may be a logical result of the stroke and any cognitive damage. It's positive that he recovered from urosepsis and is back in rehab. Whether the verbal impairment is medical or psychological is anybody's guess. Both should be addressed. I'm sure the medical aspect is, but for the mental aspect, stimulation should be targeted; things that interest him mentally. This may be my own personal projection, but his personal story and recording it might be something to engage him mentally. Mom says he's not interested in his past, but I don't know. It may be a matter of how and who. But if mom's right, so be it.
Grace has kept me in the loop about her mother, and as she was professed Buddhist, I've offered to offer up a ritual afterlife prayer recitation for her (Tibetan Book of the Dead). It isn't lost on me that I can't imagine what Grace and Peggy must be going through emotionally, nor that we might need to be preparing ourselves about dad, regardless of what we are hoping for him. I think I've noticed human mortality has been an interest of yours, and the death experience is something I've gone to lengths to familiarize myself with, but I also know that there's no bracing or preparing for it. When the news comes, it's a sucker punch in the gut.
I've never quite understood why these topics are so hard to broach. I remember when grandfather got sick a few months after grandmother died in 1993, my first thought was "this is it, he's about to die". So I was shocked when I asked mom whether they would be going to Taiwan and she said no and that he'd be alright. Then of course he died and she wasn't there. That was the whole of our interaction, by the way, as we weren't exactly on conversational terms back then. If our interactions were like they are now, I would have spelled it out just like that, "Go, he's about to die!"
Anyway, thanks for handling whatever you can for them. Tom must be taking the brunt of it, but like I said, I usually only find out about things after mom contacts me after things have settled one way or another. I can't think of a single instance I've contacted mom; that's just how it's always been, the nature and symbol of our relationship. That said, I'll send Tom an email in the next few days and check up on him.
You're probably hearing news about the earthquake in Tainan. It was bad because it was so shallow, but didn't affect Taipei at all and I haven't heard of any impact on Kaohsiung.
Monday is the start of Lunar New Year, are the kids' schools recognizing it like before? I hear it's the year the of fire-breathing monkey. Tough image to get out of my head.
My mother did call shortly after. It would make sense that she might have asked my brother to email me. It was so by the time we talked, I already knew. It wasn't breaking news, but just something to discuss.
Since that conversation, she called again and got a bug in her about my future, and the one thing that will set me off is if she starts suggesting things about my future. She has simply, as a parent, lost any right to make any suggestion about my future. The call ended badly and I won't be taking her calls for a while. Unless my father dies, then I'll take a call.
I hadn't heard anything from my oldest brother, the one whose mother-in-law died. He also lives in the same town as my parents, so I presumed he was in the thick of two emotional shit storms, on top of raising four kids and maintaining his medical practice.
As my birthday approached, I presumed he'd send me an email as he always does, but I thought I'd take any weight off whether to send a happy or concerned email by sending a preemptive email letting him know I knew what was going on and empathizing with his position. He did send back a message on my birthday, but it was the email equivalent of wet, cold spaghetti. In my hands, no gravy.
My email was to give him space to let me know his space without having to go through what I already knew, and his response was basically "meh". I don't know any other way to put it:
Happy Birthday,
Dad's stroke may be slowly improving or it might be mom's wishful thinking. It's hard to say. I'm not as optimistic as mom. We'll see. Next vacation won't be too far away. Grace is taking things better than Tessa. Hope all is well. Hope to see you later this year.
T
These are the bonds of this family. I'm affixing a tag of "negativity" to this post, but even though it may seem I'm being negative, I don't feel it that way. It's just the way it is. Maybe negative is unfortunately "just the way it is", but I have to let it be as it is.
I see no way to affect change, nor feel any impetus to do so. What do I have to do with any of these people?
As far as I'm concerned, I'm at the end of my life. I'm just waiting to die. I'm waiting to go blind from glaucoma or waiting for my bank account to run out or waiting for my hair to fall out or waiting for liver failure from years of drinking that now equates to just about drinking a bottle a day. Of liquor I mean, not beer.
Last year had that hilarious incident whereby I came across a teaching that implied my parents get credit for supporting a spiritual aspirant's endeavors by dumping all that money in my bank account. That was the only reason I agreed to go on that cruise.
Then between giving them credit and the actual cruise, they took the money back. I still haven't calculated how much I have left to live on, but it's immediately finite. So exactly what credit do they get? What do I owe them? Easily nothing. And I don't expect to go back to visit them this year or ever at all. Why would I? The circumstances will have to be very specific.
I certainly don't owe any of them continuing to live my life. OK, that earns the negativity tag, lol!
