SHIN SPLINTS!! I took almost three weeks off and that was probably a very bad idea. It was primarily because of weather and mood, as well as the lame excuse of deliberately downgrading my fitness in order to force myself to go slow (stupid!). I should have maintained discipline and gotten out for jogs.

When I did go out again, I cut the initial 4 mile slow jog short at 3 miles because I knew I was suffering. I decided to do a week of slow 3-milers, but it was all downhill.

I knew there was likely an underlying issue regarding the fact that I haven't been able to eat enough and not getting required nutrition for any sort of exercise. Not being able to eat itself doesn't bother me as much as it did a few years ago, but calories and nutrition aren't negotiable when it comes to exertion. I may not care, but physiology does.

I did try eating some fruit after one jog, but ended up going catatonic as has become pattern when I try to eat more than once a day. And once coming home from a jog limping for no apparent reason and then being afflicted by multiple excruciating cramps in my feet and toes was an indication of things going wrong.

When the shin splints became apparent, it wasn't just a mild "uh-oh" warning of pain and to watch it, but full-on "Hi, let me introduce myself, I'm Shin Splints" (apparently Korean since last name comes first). Both legs and obviously shin splints, practically screaming to stay off for at least a week.

On the other hand, the planned forced week off coincides with weather getting better for cycling. So the conflict will become if I can get off my lazy ass and get my bike prepped and suited up for preliminary fitness rides. To be sure, it's a conflict of laziness.

Things not as bad as I mentioned before. Negativity has eased off, but inspiration is still blah. As a fellow practitioner said years ago, "stick to your method".

It means when you've affirmed a certain method works, if things start going off, just stick to the method and it will get you back on or point you in a new direction.

It's a matter of faith, but it's faith in something that you've tested yourself. Not blind faith. It's not something pushed on you. You stop, stay calm, and let yourself figure out what the dissonance is and how to get through it.

It's actually no different from a physical training regime. Everyone is different physiologically and regimes that work for some may not work for others.

A book I'm re-reading and slogging through trying to absorb again is Happiness by Matthieu Ricard. I had no trouble with it before. I've even considered much of it obvious in a re-affirming way.

I've considered much of it obvious in a re-affirming way even though happiness is not a consideration for me. Happiness is not a goal for me, nor is it even possible. But I got what he was writing about.

It's still a meditation. Even if it isn't practically attainable, much less something to pursue, happiness is worth contemplating and analyzing. I mean even living an ordinary life, there's the Tibetan saying that everyone strives for happiness, but so many act in ways that curtails it.

And I'm not living an ordinary life. My life has always been all about multiple layers of sabotaging it and any happiness that may accompany it. It also hasn't been about being miserable, so there's that dissonance.

In re-reading "Happiness", I recognize that everything he's saying is right, but it doesn't apply to me. I don't fit into any of his descriptions or examples or metaphors or parables. The paradigms are normative, and I have no idea what to say after saying something like that.

The paradigms are normative. So what? I'm outside the paradigms of an accomplished monk who has translated for the Dalai Lama? Maybe, his writings are obviously for a general audience, but it's still dissonance. Stick to my method.

What do I do in my daily life to promote happiness? In my daily life, I distract myself a lot with entertainments. That's not happiness. I avoid suffering. That may be as close to what I can conceive of as happiness.

Various levels of contentment. If I'm not suffering physical ailments, I consider myself happy. But that's defined as a negative, an absence. I really, really, really enjoy listening to music. But that's not happiness. It's temporary enjoyment.

Needless to say, the bottom line is that I have no idea about "happiness". It's not a pursuit or a goal, just something to contemplate. At this point, I'd be happy to just dispel the dissonances. Still, it's not nothing. It's not unimportant. Maybe as an unattainable, it's more important to consider.

I haven't gone jogging for almost two weeks. Part of the reason has been weather, either rain or cold has prevented. The rest of the reason is probably weather-related as Taipei is transitioning into spring.

Temperatures have been poking upwards, but it's still been pretty dreary, contributing to depressive states, and part of me is waiting for a weather breakthrough to get out jogging again. Sunlight would be nice.

This prolonged break also serves the purpose of lowering my fitness so that when I do go out again, I necessarily have to go slow and not press speed and risk injuring my Achilles again.

I'm still committed to several months more of jogging (9-minute mile range) 4 mile courses. I remember starting last summer persevering through sluggishly slow (10 minute+ miles) 3 milers because I had to; I couldn't go any faster. So I have to be patient before trying to go faster.

My fitness is at a point where I could go faster into 8-minute mile range runs, but my Achilles would risk injury at that pace. In a way it's kinda nice being able to force myself to go slower.

I'm also keeping an eye on when to get on my bike again. I think I might be bored with cycling, but I want to give riding another go. Daytime temps and rain are what will control cycling. I've also changed my sleep since last year so that I can ride in the morning hours and be back home before the preventative afternoon heat. I'm assuming the scorching past few summers is a trend and not about to let up.

I've noticed the efficacy of mindfulness practice has broken down completely recently. It's a continuation and extension of what I mentioned in January when I first noticed something . . . off.

My mind is clouded, my thoughts are clouded, my feelings are clouded. Negativity grows and creeps and I can't stop it. I apply the practices, the visualizations, the meditations and they just aren't working.

I've been going back to the teachings in the books that have been so illuminating in the past, and sometimes I'm reading sentence by sentence with negative responses and resistance arising constantly.

It's not that I think the teachings are wrong. I read and acknowledge they are right, but my mind is resisting, making excuses why they don't apply to me now; excuses that I know are wrong and deluded, but reflect how I feel.

It may be a problem of not having a social support structure; no community, no friends, no family. Even hermits living in caves have benefactors who check up on them and deliver food and supplies as necessary. Even hermits are not as nothing as I am in my current existence. They are especially not nothing.

Maybe weather, winter blues, is a contributing factor. If it's raining, if there is no sunshine or shadows it's just such an easy excuse to stay holed up except to get out for alcohol. Not even food that much as I'm never hungry anymore. Whatever sparse nibbles I have in my room are enough to not want to eat.

It's not that I'm giving up on mindfulness practice. Morning sitting is still the most important thing I'll do for the day. Occasionally I'll take a break day, but for most part, even if I wake up and don't feel like sitting, by the time I'm vertical I'll be preparing for sitting. Actual break days are often justified by physical health conditions that actually manifest.

Besides, I know from experience that the teachings work. If they're not sinking in just now, that doesn't mean they don't work. It's far more likely that certain conditions and attitudes are preventing me from realizing them in the present moment.

I'm not worried. I'm not going to stop applying the teachings, but I expect I'll be spinning wheels until conditions are right when the sparks start plugging again. It will be of continuing importance to keep objectivity and keep just observing internally and not reacting emotionally and uncritically. That would be a waste of all I've learned.

As the saying goes, "If you're going through hard times, keep going".

I experience people in this city, life in this city, and I'm astounded by how rude people are in this city. Then I realize if anyone, I'm the rude one. I'm the asshole. How did I become such an asshole?

Am I such an asshole because I'm alone, or am I alone because I'm such an asshole?

Is it a matter of nature or nurture? If it's nurture, then I'm a rude asshole because of my upbringing; the result of my parents' poor parenting. I don't buy that. My parents were shit parents, but I don't put what I am on their heads. I could've risen above it. Their shit parenthood only reflects what shit parents they were. Not my decisions.

So nature – nature of an asshole – what does that even mean? From a Buddhist perspective, I think nature (personal, not "primordial") is about karma, what has been spiritually inherited; habitually practiced and inculcated until transferred from one lifetime to the next.

So what about my nature, my karma, has made me such an asshole? Is it my self-imposed social isolation but with access to internet and media that has rendered me so self-absorbed that I no longer have any connection or empathy, ergo a sociopathic asshole?

It's probably just how I feel. I may even be exaggerating. It very well may be likely that no one even takes notice of me and my dark clouds at all.