2020/21 final mix CDs

I made a last minute month decision that since this is presumably my last mix CD of the "mix CD of every year of my life" vanity project, I'm totally justified in including 2021 songs that would've made it onto that unmade future mix. And I mean definitely would have made it. I'm not the quickest listener processing songs when I first hear them. I might like something right away, but it's basically in one ear and out the other and it often takes a handful of listens before a song really starts to sound like something with elements I can remember. But every once in a while a song will stop me in my tracks, grab me by the lapels and demand my attention leaving me slack-eyed and/or wide-jawed at how good it is for whatever reason. The five 2021 songs included on Disc 2 are in that league. 

And I'll admit the decision to change the mixes to include 2021 songs was made rather recently after the Oh My Girl and fromis_9 songs on Disc 2 were released a week apart and made me wonder about including them. And I might also admit the decision was made easier because I had already shoe-horned the 2021 Chungha song into the original finalized track list because I couldn't make it work with only 2020 candidates. That song, released in January, was emotionally stunning and I tried slotting it in just to see how it sounded and I liked it! I ended up suppressing my obsessive-compulsive impulse to include only 2020 songs and tossed two 2020 songs to accommodate it. But then opening up the field for other 2021 songs that met the standard, in addition to the two mentioned above, I found two more and then a bunch of 2020 songs of the "original concept" went out the window. 

There were no live audiences at the music shows for the entirety of 2020 so I avoided linking to those videos because the energy is different. Most are videos with mp3 sound and some supplemental live versions. Unfortunately I've found that mp3 sound is much better than the live sound videos I've been linking for the past 10 years! Maybe I shoulda been linking videos with mp3 sound all along :p 

Disc One: (zip download)

1. I Can't Stop Me (Twice)

2. Feel Good (SECRET CODE) (fromis_9) (live version)

3. Voice (LOOΠΔ) (English version 'Star') (funny tweets described the choreo at the beginning as "train stopping at a station")

4. Oopsy (Weki Meki)

5. Butterfly (WJSN/Cosmic Girls)

6. No Big Deal (Elris) (lyric video)

7. Not Shy (Itzy)

8. Dingga (Mamamoo) (live version)

9. Dumhdurum (Apink)

10. Mago (Gfriend)

11. We Ride (Brave Girls) (unofficial stage mix)

12. On Air (3YE)

13. Oops I'm Sorry (April) (live version)

14. Barbie (Ye-eun (CLC))

15. Eight (feat. Suga (BTS)) (IU)

16. Lazy Day (Tymee) (official audio)

17. Want It (Kisum x Bora (Cherry Bullet)) (audio only)

18. Pporappippam (Sunmi (ex-Wonder Girls))

19. D.B.D.B.DIB (Saturday)

20. yaya (ME TIME) (Yubin (ex-Wonder Girls)) (live version)

21. Push This Button (Baechigi) (official audio)

22. Diver (YooA (Oh My Girl)) (audio only)

23. Fall Again (LOOΠΔ) (official audio)

24. Play (feat. Changmo) (Chungha) (live version)

Disc Two:

1. Why Not? (LOOΠΔ) (full-stage cam)

2. Dun Dun Dance (Oh My Girl) (unofficial stage mix) (full-stage cam) 2021

3. Dumdi Dumdi ((g)I-dle)

4. Hands Up (Cherry Bullet)

5. Lalalilala (April) (stage mix)

6. We Go (fromis_9) (unofficial stage mix) 2021

7. Surf (Itzy) (official audio)

8. Alien (Lee Suhyun (Akdong Musician))

9. Naughty (Irene & Seulgi (Red Velvet))

10. The Paradise (Weki Meki) (audio only)

11. This and That (Yuju (Gfriend)) (audio only)

12. Things Are Going Well (Heize) (lyric video) (short music video)

13. Red Lipstick (Bolbbalgan4)

14. Hmph! (WJSN: Chocome) (live version)

15. Cry For Me (Twice)

16. Money Serenade (Mommy Son) (audio only) (annoyingly censored telecast)

17. Mimi (youra) 2021

18. Teddy Bear (Kim Sejeong (ex-gugudan) (audio only) 2021

19. Apple (Gfriend) (unofficial stage mix)

20. X (No Flowers on the Path I've Taken) (Chungha) 2021

21. Daily (DIA) (lyric video)

22. Up No More (Twice) (official audio) (lyric video)

23. Travel (Mamamoo) (official audio) (lyric video)

2019 mix CDs 

There's a reason I've lived this long according to "chronic suicidal ideation" and I just got a reminder of it, albeit futile at this point. 

It was the most disturbing aspect of it as described in that video, which is that people with chronic suicidal ideation are chronically looking for reasons or excuses to keep living and keep taking them. It was disturbing because it's verifiably true in my case in the most ridiculous ways. 

I remember (if memory serves) back in San Francisco writing a journal entry why I wasn't going to end it all at one point because I had to pick up my photo prints from the Berkeley Extension that I had left at the darkroom to dry and also because Throwing Muses were coming to town and I definitely wanted to see them (they're a top five favorite band of mine). I'm sure I was being sarcastic in writing it down, mocking myself for such petty considerations. Theoretically, really anything could be an excuse.

A couple years back I posted something neurotic and nutty about not sending a birthday email to my older brother and why I wasn't going to send one, which then prompted me to send one at the last minute because I was getting so wrapped up in the concept of the birthday greeting and my reasons to not send one were so neurotic that it would just be dumb not to send one. Good grief.

I think the context was that we're not all that close and I hadn't sent him a birthday greeting in years, I don't quite remember. I didn't expect a reply and that would've been totally acceptable and normal for our relationship, but I also knew he just as well might reply because that would still be natural and just depended on how he felt. And he did send a polite and cordial reply. Last year I think I sent something that he didn't reply to and that was fine; it was year one of the CCP Wuhan pandavirus and as a doctor he was under a lot of stress and pressure. 

This year I forewent any nuttiness and planned on sending a birthday greeting as if it was a normal, routine, long-standing practice and without all that neurotic energy. And he replied that same day. I'm not sure what it was about his reply this time. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seemed unusually . . . attentive? engaged? thoughtful? But I don't want to suggest any of his other communications weren't those things if he feels he was just replying like normal. Often I can describe communications with family members with words like polite, cordial, obligatory or sincere, bare-minimum response. No response. This wasn't any of those and just felt a bit . . . more.

It could be my imagination or rather my chronically suicide-ideating mind that is constantly grasping for reasons to live on that's reading into it wot's not there. Unreasonable pangs of living a little longer and even visiting them as suggested? Check in with the kids and see if they remember me? Visit my aunt in New Jersey who has been warding off lung cancer for a number of years? Like my aunt in Kaohsiung she has always been kind to me and pleasant to visit. 

Back on planet earth the reality dawns that flying abroad probably requires a smartphone. I don't know, as useless as search engines have become (spearheaded by Google), I haven't been able to search if smartphones are required for international travel. The assumption of course is that everyone has a smartphone and search algorithms can't even conceive of that in returning results. 

That's why I haven't made any moves to get vaccinated. When measures were announced in English for virtually everyone to get vaccinated, the part involving a smartphone to schedule it put an end to my vaccination aspiration. Everyone has a smartphone, they don't need to provide alternative means. Yes, I do realize no one can relate to my outrage. Anyway I'll wait until enough people are vaccinated that it's simple enough to show up with ID and get a shot. I'll wait until they're waiting for me.

Ah, but futile. And wow I'm glad I don't have the money to do any of that. Mentally running through habit is one thing. Reality is another. Embracing reality sounds pretty good about now.

rehashing

The most important thing in my life has been mindfulness practice. Not music, which I acknowledge is fleeting, ephemeral and meaningless except in the context of appreciating this physical, material life. Obviously not relations or people, which I take as a personal fault. Not endeavors or enjoyments.

Mindfulness practice is the only thing that has made my life worth living this long without regret (music made it tolerable and enjoyable, so is still up there in importance). It includes morning sitting practice, which should be the basic practice on any Buddhist path and once trained on it by qualified monastics it's hard to do without. For me personally it also includes Vajrayana (Tibetan Buddhist) teachings which among other things deals heavily with death as a part of life, which is something I was ready for. Capping it all off have been Sadhguru videos in the past few months that have given some affirmation that I'm not totally off the rails, barking up the wrong tree, paddling furiously with one oar. Vajrayana came from India, so Tibetan teachings slot in well with the more expansive view of Sadhguru.

It has been worth getting emotions under control, particularly negative ones, using mindfulness training by just noticing them, watching them and not acting on or reacting to them. It's been worth it not being a slave to them and tossed wildly about by them. They still happen and they're still at times troubling or bothersome, but it's great not getting carried away or overwhelmed by them. 

Emotions become something "tangible" and able to be manipulated, not just something that happens because we're human. I understand a lot of people like that, the spontaneity of emotions is what makes them human and makes them feel. What they're essentially saying is they like suffering, or they'll take the suffering with the pleasures, but they just don't want to look at it or say it that way. Fair 'nuff. 

Then Vajrayana-inspired visualizations can take that manipulation a step further and transform negative emotions into something else as soon as they happen. There's a "bounce" that can be trained to happen: once negativity or anger or despair occur you can recognize it, identify it and bounce it into something positive like realization or wisdom or a mandala or the exact opposite emotion. And it's not fake. Like the negative emotion was real? It's the same raw emotion, that's still there, but seen in a different or wider perspective. Maybe that's why Tibetan lamas are so easy to laugh even at something that seems so dire to the rest of us. 

It probably wouldn't be inaccurate to say mindfulness training and practice was the meaning of the whole journey. As karma I'm very happy to have it potentially as a tool that carries over into future lives. There's certainly a lot of other stuff that still will carry over as karma since I don't know if I've worked through them well enough, including neurotic nuttiness and general attachments, but there's always the possibility and hope to be able to continue working on them in whatever way because the seeds of mindfulness practice are also there. 

musing

I loosened my restrictions on drinking for a few days since I'm nearing the purported "end" anyway, but then decided that was a bad idea. Even hints of feeling like crap I'd rather do without, even approaching "the end" (of the money). By "loosening restrictions" that just meant allowing for bigger sips out of the shot glass, as much as half the shot at a time, but that did lead to filling the shot glass more often and slippage down the slippery slope. 

I remember when drinking alcohol was enjoyable. Beers with friends is a fond memory even if I don't have memories of any specific friends anymore. It just must have happened and the idea that it must have happened is a fond memory. The Beale St. NTN trivia crowd in San Francisco is the closest I get to remembering specific people. Friends invited you to come over and the standard operating procedure was for invitees to bring beer or wine of choice. Band rehearsals always enjoyably involved beer. Even alone beer was enjoyable, turning on music equipment with a Giants or A's game in the background on the TV. 

I don't remember exactly when drinking stopped being enjoyable. I wonder if there's any sort of consensus among heavy drinkers and alcoholics that drinking is no longer enjoyable. Are there drunks who still enjoy it? Probably. Happy drunks maybe. I can't say I enjoy it but I still do it, but not so much that it feels like crap. Once I start it's hard to stop, but it's important to know when to draw the line and hard stop. Ah, there's your mindfulness alcoholism. Or maybe it's the drinking knowing I'll have to stop that's unenjoyable. Going down the slippery slope is enjoyable, the consequences are not. I'm trying to figure out what my mind is doing with alcohol.

It kinda sucks being able to drink liquor like water. The uninitiated often have a visible, physical facial or bodily reaction to liquor – a good, healthy response to a toxin. When I took bigger sips of liquor it felt nice and easy and even downing the whole shot or even more from a glass would've been . . . I'm tempted to try it just to find the right word, but I won't. The feeling like crap thing, the havoc it wreaks on internal organs and functions. 

All through this blog I've gone back and forth whether I'm alcoholic or not. Actually it's more that I am but whenever I write about it I'm arguing that I'm not. I guess somewhat telling is that approaching "the end" it didn't occur to me to just try stopping. 

I've been mulling over the "chronic suicidal ideation" revelation since hearing about it for the first time this past February. It blew my mind that it was even a thing. It blew my mind how perfectly and accurately it seemed to describe this most basic thing about me. It was mind-blowing going back anywhere in this blog and seeing evidence of it all over the place like a poorly covered-up crime scene. 

On the other hand I'm also wary. In processing it like a psychiatric diagnosis retroactively into what I've been writing all along, am I just seeing what I'm looking for? Is it valid if I hadn't identified it before, nor had any of my reads or anyone else I've spoken to over the years? Is it a mental crutch I'm using now for affirmation or to "feel better" about it or whatever reason? Or is it not even for me at all, but whoever else might happen upon this blog? As a recently encountered topic (coincidence?!), it's not gonna make it off the front page so the topic should be quickly visible as an important idea or theme. Well, thanks to this post.

The more I've thought about it, the problem is "chronic suicidal ideation" is only one description of reality, and in one certain version of reality it certainly is an accurate and appealing description of my life. But that's not really the reality this blog intended to describe. I had never heard of the term and if this blog were written with a self-conscious awareness of it, it may have been written quite differently. This blog even started as a self-described "mental health" blog, and if I knew "chronic suicidal ideation" was a thing in psychiatry I may have stuck to viewing my thoughts and experiences through that filter instead of organically as they happened.

As it happened, I think this more or less stopped being a mental health blog when I found mindfulness practice either nullifies or at least superficially checks mental health issues in the long term. I stopped seeing them as issues or afflictions and more as crutches or excuses that could be dismissed and allowed to leave. Common mental health issues went away, suicide didn't; possibly suggesting it never was a mental health issue. It took that form because of external circumstances and my internal reactions – it was the only way available to describe or understand it – but it was already there in a primordial form that predated teenage angst. I served it well carrying it with me in that form out of habit for many years but then it didn't survive mindful scrutiny, it lost that "protection". 

I might describe this blog as having become more about a flawed or problematic internal spiritual struggle which integrated suicide as an existential or valid philosophical inquiry. Being flawed or problematic doesn't necessarily mean there are faults or problems, that's just the nature of my path to learn from. That said, there most likely probably are faults and problems, but what can you do?

The "chronic suicidal ideation" descriptive is important, but it's not that important to me. It's important as far as the psychology goes, and even with mindfulness practice the mechanisms of psychology are ever-present and confounding, if not disturbing. It's important in filtering everything I've written, but it was only an aspect of who I was and not necessarily the most important. If I were to put emphasis on it, I feel like I'd be trying to shirk personal responsibility, that the reason for committing suicide was something other than my own doing; I had a mental illness and wouldn't have done it otherwise or if I had it treated. 

I don't know if it was fate or destiny or karma or none of the above, but there was a perpetual drive towards suicide that I can't quite understand or explain and it would be futile to try. I've tried. It was futile. I lived my life like everyone else made up of a combination of the things I've done and decisions I've made along with how I responded to how the world around me reacted and presented itself and unfolded. Causes and conditions that led to a result. It wasn't something completely out of my control like an illness. There was probably a high likelihood that I would eventually do it because of decisions I willfully made and not because I was messed up or depressed or despondent or without hope. Quite the opposite. And it wasn't easy, either, mind you.