Maybe I shouldn't have taken these past two days off. Now I'm really starting to feel sick. Not physically, but just with life and existence. Again. At least with work, there's the mindless, numbing routine. I can suppress my rage because I'm still just a rat in a cage. If I was left to myself all day for extended periods of time, things get unpredictable.

Geeking out:
Anyway. I've been hording credit at Amoeba for three months since I read that Peter Gabriel was re-releasing his entire catalog re-mastered. They must have arrived yesterday or today, because they weren't there on Sunday (I go to Amoeba way too often). Fortunately, I had the credit slips with me. I got Us, Security, So, Peter Gabriel (1978), and Peter Gabriel (1980). And they are incred-d-dible!! I'm foaming at the mouth. I'll be doing something else and have a CD on, and I'll just stop and look at the speakers in amazement of how good these sound (it's also a refresher on why I hold Peter Gabriel up to GOD status). They beefed up the loops on "Security", so the rhythm tracks are serious bass heavy. The rhythm track on "I Have the Touch" is badd-ass. I hope I don't wake the neighbors.

And *gasp*, yes, he's releasing a new record in four and a half lunar cycles!

current soundtrack: Peter Gabriel - "Security"

I called in sick again. I woke up two and a half hours ago. I don't really think I'm lying when I'm calling in sick. I'm sick every day. It's just when I call in sick, I'm making it known. I was feeling pretty dead for the first hour and a half I was awake today.

current soundtrack: 764-HERO - "Salt Sinks & Sugar Floats"

I just listened to Smashing Pumpkins's "Jelly Belly" four times in a row. Fuck, I miss playing drums. My Yamaha Beech Customs are now stacked in my bedroom. Jimmy Chamberlin is a fucking beast.

Update: now six.

Holding back the fool again
Holding back the fool pretends
I forget to forget nothing is important
Holding back the fool again
"To Forgive" - (Smashing Pumpkins)

WordsCharactersReading time

I called in sick today. I wanted to go for a pleasant ride to the beach, so I got the idea to e-mail Elizabeth to meet for dinner near her place in the Sunset. 

I didn't make it to the beach. It was really, really windy. The wind was blowing my headphones out of my ears. When I got to the last stretch of road going directly to the beach, I gave up. The wind was too strong and it wasn't pleasant. It was supposed to be a pleasant ride. P-l-e-a-s-a-n-t. 

Elizabeth mentioned a development at work which might make my quitting more of a reality. So my thoughts are a bit angst-riddled now. I won't know anything concrete until I go back to work, but based on what Elizabeth said, I'm strongly considering not going in tomorrow, either.

  

I don't care much, go or stay 

I don't care very much, either way 

Hearts grow hard on a windy street 

Lips grow cold with the rent to meet 

So if you kiss me, if we touch 

Warning's fair, I don't care very much

I don't care much, go or stay 

I don't care very much, either way 

Words sound false when your coat's too thin 

Feet don't waltz when the roof caves in 

So if you kiss me, if we touch 

Warning's fair, I don't care very much 

"I Don't Care Much" - (Cabaret 1998 Revival Cast)

I had a low-grade nightmare. It was more annoying and depressing than scary. As I was waking up, I was having trouble distinguishing the dream from reality. When the dream finally washed completely away to reality, I was thankful and pleased that I didn't need to find a new coffee carafe because I had broken it; I didn't need to do something to fix my computer monitor because I had dropped it; and I didn't need to deal with the anxiety of moving again. I didn't need to be concerned that I hadn't seen Rosalie, my ex-housemate in Noe Valley, for several weeks. 

So I woke up pleased and appreciative that, yes, my life is OK where it is. There will be worse, there will be better, but today my worries are at a minimum. 

I took a walk in the Mission. Lately, whenever I walk around listening to music, the music becomes a soundtrack and it is specifically relevant to what I'm viewing around me. I see as a camera eye, zooming, panning, focusing, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. It's a surreal escapism. Life and reality imagined as a medium. 

current soundtrack: Kristen Hersh - "Sunny Border Blue"

Trouble, oh trouble set me free 

I have seen your face 

and it's much too much for me 

- "Trouble" (written by Cat Stevens)

WordsCharactersReading time

Not a good day:
We had a firm baby shower for one of the attorneys.

Me to Barb just outside of 12th floor kitchen: I probably shouldn't be in large groups today. I'm feeling particularly homicidal.
Barb (who totally gets my sense of humor) stares at me and starts inching away from me.
Me to Barb: I guess I shouldn't have said that out loud.

I'm killing myself at work. I'd be killing myself if I was out of work. Why am I working?! If I'm killing myself anyway, why make myself miserable?

The fool escaped from paradise
Will look over his shoulder and cry
Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer why?
As you grow up and leave the playground
Where you kissed your prince and found your frog
Remember the jester who showed you tears, the script for tears

So I'll hold my peace forever
When you wear your bridal gown
In the silence of my shame, the mute that sang the sirens song
Has gone solo in the game, I've gone solo in the game
But the game is over
- Script for a Jester's Tear (Marillion)

WordsCharactersReading time

Ramble On:
I got home last night after 12:30 from seeing 20 Minute Loop at Bottom of the Hill with Sadie. Sadie's awesome. The first time we talked, I gave her my blog url to put her on notice, caveat, but she doesn't come here and that's fine. As Kateri affectionately once said, "There are things about you I don't wanna know". One of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me and that actually makes sense.

I'm grumpy, I can't focus, and I'll bite anyone who puts their fingers too close to my mouth. Wasn't I planning to call in sick? As long as I'm here, it's my brother's birthday, so I can call him.

I'm working on a case and this guy has a section on his resume: "Major Realisations". I think I'll put that on my resume, too. The first one would be "'Dilbert' is not a joke!".

When I Grow Up:
When I attain enlightenment, I want to be like the "angels" in the movie Wings of Desire. I want to exist on a parallel plane of existence that cannot be perceived by humans, but can be sensed by those with that sensitivity. I will not enter nirvana/heaven until all beings can enter at once because I will understand that there is no I separable from all beings. I want to observe and record human intercourse. I will not judge. I will not form opinions. There is no objective morality. I will observe and listen in on thoughts of people on commuter trains, walking down the street, shopping, on cell phones, at work, at home on computers, watching tv, playing video games, playing board games. I will sit in on movies in theaters, I won't have to pay. I will listen in on conversations between friends. I will listen in on arguments. Sometimes I will whisper thoughts and ideas. I will not attain this until I cease wanting to. I will wear a black trenchcoat.

Nothing lasts forever:
I was doing so well!! I did a full day's worth of work yesterday for the first time in months. I thought, "oh maybe I can get back into the mindlessness of this meaningless job and resign myself to it like good adults are supposed to". Sadly, it didn't last. OH WELL!

Boss-lady continues to ignore what's going on. So I think there is this feeling among Eric, Joycee, and me that we are children, with one abusive parent, the other neglectful and absent, maintaining our dignity by retreating into our own little fantasy worlds . . .

. . . whew, I'm back. That was a nice little fantasy.
Anyway, so we've been e-mailing each other, creating a list of sarcasms expressing how we perceive Ms. Case Manager's attitude. Samples (abridged):

1) She’s just flittering around like she’s so important
2) "Just because it’s your job, I can’t assume you’re doing it.”
3) (at team meeting) “OK, Boss-lady, tomorrow we’ll cover the you-know-what about you-know-who with *ahem*.” *wink* *wink*
4) She was talking shit about DG crossing over to the “other side” (to management), she not only crossed over, she saluted when she got there.
5) "I discovered some obscure document from the late 1700’s that seems to contradict the spelling of this person's name. Could you please complete these 42 steps to make sure we have the right information?"
6) "I can’t maintain my 32-minute work week AND do all this work. Here, you do this, this this, that and this, oh yeah, and that that that and this too. Thanks!"

"This is for all the drunken romantics":

On the rebound, fumbling all the lines
The light at the end of the bottle - alcoholicalphabet
Through the looking glass, the proof in my own reflection
Five senses down and reeling on the Cinderella search

On the rebound, fumbling all the lines
Decay on the vertical hold, with a horizontal aim
Conversation needs translation
Three dimensions down dissolving on the Cinderella search

On the rebound, writing all the lines
Dreaming bartenders, bourbon, and the saxophone
Out of luck, out of charm, out of the game of rejections in a cigarette city
Only courting the homing of direction on the Cinderella search

But the Samaritan of the heartbroken
Swam through the nicotine seize, and we exchanged the kiss of life
Resurrection in a trance, the model, the Grail, in a Marquee of promises
I touched the dream, I hold the dream, I have the dream
To end the Cinderella search

Exposing bedside manners on a work extension
Awaiting development with paranoid Polaroid eyes
The footman memorised the number
But the prince still holds both the slippers
And would you leave the palace
For a bedsit and Canterbury Tales?

Maybe it was infatuation or the thrill of the chase
Maybe you were always beyond my reach and my heart was playing safe
But was that love in your eye I saw, or the reflection of mine
I'll never really know for sure, you never really gave me time
- "Cinderella Search" (Marillion)

WordsCharactersReading time

Argh@!
I reviewed a Marillion record at YACCS, and now I've been listening to Marillion all day. I didn't even like the record I reviewed. But it's with a bit of embarrassment, because it's so uncool, that I used to be a huge Marillion fan with Fish, the singer, articulating my feelings in a way I couldn't.

"A hand held over a candle in angst-fueled bravado
A carbon trail scores a moist stretched palm
Trapped in the indecision of another fine menu
And you sit there and ask me to tell you the story so far . . .

. . . From the dreams on the barbed wire at Flanders and Bilston Glen
From a Clydeside that rusts in the tears of its broken men
From the realisation that all we've been left behind
Is to stand like our fathers before us in the firing line"
- "Slainte Mhath" (Marillion)

I'd like to know if anyone else reviews their own record collections in a public forum. I'd like the reassurance that I'm not the only one without a life. But it really is fun.

WordsCharactersReading time

Sometimes it amazes me how people miss my point. I must not be such a good communicator after all. I never said I was. I tend to be most misunderstood when I'm the most honest. Story of my life.

The International Film Festival is almost over. I've seen "Elling" (Norway), "Millennium Mambo" (Taiwan), "Fulltime Killer" (Hong Kong), and "All About Lily Chou-Chou" (Japan), and I want to see "Somewhere on Earth" (Japan), but either I have to get in the rush tickets line for the sold out evening screening, or cut out of work early for an afternoon screening.

No more movies for the month of May. Too much money. Although there are already three shows I plan to go to, and live music is always more expensive than movies because of the beer. Mm, the precious beer. May shows: 20 Minute Loop on May 2, Pinback on May 23, and 764-HERO on May 24. All at Bottom of the Hill.

current soundtrack: Versus - "Two Cents Plus Tax"

"You come to life in the summer
Stretching your toes in the sand
Jump in the water, but don't hold your breath
Feel like you're cheating death"
- "Radar Follows You" (Versus)

What am I doing? I've gotten increasingly social in the past few weeks, both online and offline. I don't like myself like this. It's not me. It's not honest. The more interaction I have, the more fake I have to be. Do I have to be that way? No. It's just the way I am, it's me, and I have no problem with it.

I don't want to understand other people or why they are the way they are. I pass so many human beings every day. Is there any nexus of commonality between all of these individuals? Yes, and it's that none of them are real. They are real in a physical sense, but that's taking existence and reality as it is. I don't do that. So although each of these people are individuals with distinct identities, personalities, opinions, experiences, etc., they are still only symbolic to me, whether I meet them or not.

This fake me is my inanimate skeleton, it's just bone, not alive. When you lie in your grave, that's all that's left. It's a frame, it props me up and holds me together so I can go about my daily routine. The real me is everything else hung upon this skeleton frame. Remove the fake me, and the real me collapses to the floor, a bag of flesh, tissue, and blood. **SPLAAT!!** Neither the fake me or the real me can exist without the other. But who said existence is the point of all this?

I'm supposed to be closing and winding things up. Not starting something new.

current soundtrack: Roger Waters - "Amused to Death"

And when they found our shadows
Grouped 'round the TV sets
They ran down every lead
They repeated every test
They checked out all the data on their list
And then
The alien anthropologists admitted they were STILL PERPLEXED
But on eliminating every other reason for our
SAD DEMISE
They logged the only explanation left:
THIS SPECIES HAS AMUSED ITSELF TO DEATH

From Quiz Box:

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener; they'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girl/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success?
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Do not give up when you have not even started yet! Be courageous!

What are you most afraid of?
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self?
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart, rather than your head, needs to solve.

current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cute - "Forbidden Love EP"

TANYA DONELLY!!!
I didn't buy a ticket in advance because it wasn't a show I wanted to commit to. Five year break between records, and the latest record, which she's supporting, is mature and not exactly cutting edge as she used to be. But I'm so glad I went! It was awesome! It's about the love.

"Solomon crawls on the belly of god
Solomon falls on his face in love with me
He grows as old as the sea
Deep where the fishes are
Stay . . .

He lives in the yard, he keeps himself hard
He keeps himself homeless and heartless and hard
He sleeps under stairs, along with the heirs
of nothing and nothing means no one who cares
But I love him dear, and I love him near
And I've loved him hundreds of thousands of years"
- "Stay" (Belly)

Throwing Muses was/is such an incredible band, it's hard to believe that Kristin Hersh and Tanya Donelly were in a band together, two incredible talents and presences.

I still love Kristin Hersh more, she totally mesmerizes me and her music feels like I'm drawn into her feelings. And even though I'm thoroughly tickled being in Tanya's presence, I'm also thinking, "such a small woman, with a big guitar . . . and a huge head". She has a head that matches the size of her guitar (a pink Gibson SG Jr.), but not her body.

Downer:
Right before I left for the show, my mom called. She told me Aki Liao's mom died. She loved the sound of birds and she would drive up the Palisades Parkway to the scenic lookouts to listen to the birds. That day, she went alone because a friend of hers couldn't make it. She didn't come home for dinner. At 10:00, her husband called the police. The police found her car at a lookout. They found her the next day, she had fallen off the cliffs.

Incredible. Imagining the progession of events and what her husband and Aki went through. I don't remember ever meeting her, although I'm sure I did, and I feel for Aki and the husband, who I know I've met. So fragile. So fleeting.

WordsCharactersReading time

What Does it All Mean?
You stop off on your way home to buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's for dinner. You leave the store with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Fudge Central with a Fudge Truffle Core (dinner), and one box of Haagen Daaz Chocolate Fudge & Almond bars, and one box of Haagen Daaz Coffee and Almond Crunch bars.

Hey, when I lose my mind, I want it to taste good (not my mind, the losing it).

current soundtrack: Smashing Pumpkins - "Greatest Hits, disc 2 (Judas O)"

Oh noose, tied myself in tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross-armed stance
Like a bad-tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
Pinpoint where I am
By the time I've got it figure out
I've changed the whole damn plan
- "Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset" (Modest Mouse)

And another day.

I look at the calendar and try to determine a date on which to give notice. Shouldn't I be the least bit disturbed that this is precisely how I treat dying?

In the same vein, my new paradigm for decorating and arranging my apartment is how it will look like when whichever family member has to come out here and gather my stuff. What I want whoever to see first, what I want them to find. Is that how it works? I thought that is what happened with Ritu, but I think maybe she was still alive when her brother came out to get her stuff.

current soundtrack: For Stars - "We Are All Beautiful People"

Today's Colorgenics profile:
"You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

You are not feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and appreciates your needs.

In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence, and there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination."

So true. Scary.

current soundtrack - for stars - mp3's

Gummi's post yesterday helps demystify for guys what goes on in the women's bathroom. I mean, really, men can only imagine what goes on in there (think, the mystery of why women always have to go in pairs, which adds an interesting perspective to Gummi's post), and I'm sure they all have their own different theories/fantasies.

My guess is that the extent of women wondering what goes on in the men's room is limited to whether or not they wash their hands. So change Gummi's image slightly: "Two stalls, two sets of the back of men's feet, two minutes of uncomfortable silence". Stress? Gummi doesn't know stress. In the men's room it's about power, speed, making the loudest noise, peeing for the longest time, perhaps farting to prove high comfort and confidence level, and most important, being the first to start peeing.

Actually, being the first is probably the most important, you can lose on all other points, but if you can start peeing first, you can still walk out of the stall head held high: "Hi Bob", "Hi Hal". There's no gloating in the men's room, just a silent knowledge of who's the winner and who's the loser. Exit Bob. Exit Hal 30 seconds later because Hal washes his hands.