I don't know if it's the isolation that is getting to me. I don't know if it's the weather that's getting to me.

Or maybe it's the lack of physical activity; I haven't run since the Bay to Breakers, and I haven't gone on a ride since Memorial Day. I was planning to go today, but the fog was too oppressive. I'm planning to go tomorrow, fog or not, on what should come close to another 50 mile ride.

I wondered once whether anyone had blogged a suicide, but dismissed it as not being my style. To the extent that I've always referred to my journals as my "suicide note", maybe I am. But to keep it in perspective, more than 10 years of suicide note has not produced any results.

I do feel there is something fundamentally different now, but haven't I always thought there was something "fundamentally different now"? That's fine; if there is something fundamentally different this time, fine; if there isn't, fine.

It's a fine line between non-attachment and suicide. When the feelings of isolation, or weather-related oppression, or general stagnation emerge, the feelings are fine, but the negativity associated with the feelings must be stripped away.

But they can't be stripped away by suppressing them, they need to be engaged, turned around, and understood and dismissed for what they are . . . fleeting, being part of reality where "reality" is ephemeral.

If the feelings are the cause of suicide, that is wrong. Non-attachment as a reason for suicide is also wrong. Suicide must only be suicide for what it is and why it is. Zenaida once asked, as we are all asked eventually, whether I believe in destiny. Odd question, as we were no longer that kinda close by that time.

I believe in destiny and fate, but it's a flexible destiny. Our, or rather my (I don't speak for anyone else) destiny is not written in stone, but opportunities show themselves in the form of fate and destiny. As an individual, one has the independent choice how to act when confronted with that occurence of fate or destiny. In catch-phrase terms: we don't approach our fate, our fates approach us.

I trace back my timeline, the path that I have chosen, the choices I have made when confronted with fate or destiny. There is a lot I would do differently if I could do it all again, but no, where I've been led and led myself is fate.

When I think of it that way, I smile. I don't know why, but it's alright. At the end of my journey, whenever it happens, I know, I know, I know that I will be smiling. Hopefully I will have the presence of mind to acknowledge that this is the end of my journey and remember to smile.