And the days and the weeks keep counting down. It just doesn't stop. It's been counting down for a loooooooong, long time now. End of second week of February. End of third week of practice period.

Do I give notice on my apartment come the last week of February. Do I get rid of my stuff all through March and enter the monastery? Do I pack up and go back to New Jersey? Do I continue in cruise control in perpetuity, waiting to the last minute and then flipping a coin?

Do I even reach the end of February? Or the end of March? Does the trail pitter out, fade to white, like the end of The Unbearable Lightness of Being (the movie)? I get scared. I get attached. I feel the push and the pull, pushed and pulled. What if I give in and live, instead of give in and die?

It's the same wall. It doesn't change a thing. Why the attachment to living? I don't think otherwise it's an attachment to dying, it's more impulse or intuition. I imagine how freeing it would be just to let myself live, get these ideas of leaving out and away, once and for all, and . . . live another how many more decades and die anyway?

Why not now? Why later? I've never lived my life to live for the later. I've lived my life to die, well, just about now-ish. And thus, this wall. The moment is a masterpiece, the weight of indecision's in the air.

It's the 200 years later theory. What will it matter in 200 years, so don't waste time glombing and gloombing and lolling around in the negative if I don't want to. My parents will die, too, hopefully a little shocked to find that shit happens and some things money can't take care of, family will die and pass, friends will pass.

With luck, we can hope to become someone's memories, and from someone's memories we can become someone's stories, and from someone's stories we can be someone's curiosity.

No, living is not a solution to this puzzle. Life is a koan, a puzzle that can't be solved with linear, logical, normative thinking. Solving it requires releasing this grasp and attachment to this matrix, this structure of forms and thoughts. Spirituality doesn't provide answers. Science doesn't provide answers. But they point in resonant directions. And in the swirl of theory and intuition, there's me and my own decisions.

No solutions, no end to the path. In my belief system, I will come back to continue the journey, hopefully with a similar intuition to pick up on the trail where I got stuck in this life and move further along on it. Perhaps with a little less attachments. Perhaps more. Perhaps more struggle. Whatever works.

And if I'm completely wrong, and killing myself is karmically equal to killing another person regardless of the circumstances and situation? I'll have to jump off that bridge when I get to it.