Just today, I was sitting in Border's, reading, wondering if Madoka and I were done as friends. Then she called tonight.

I quickly dove into talking about myself. I think the phone conversations we tried to have while she was in the U.S. were hampered by my tendency to steer any conversation away from myself. And she didn't ask or press, and then I would ask questions about things she didn't want to talk or think about, and that led to dead air.

We managed OK for a while, but then it started falling back. By the end, I think I was doing it again, unconsciously. Overall, it was a much better conversation than the previous ones. I think I can pat myself on the back. I don't think it will be easy for the friendship to completely recover from last year when we just didn't tell each other anything. It was a broken connection. 'Broken' as a verb, not an adjective.

But what if it was the end of the friendship (back in Borders)? So what? What's the big deal? All of my friendships have fallen away and passed, and we've all survived. I don't imagine any of them missing me any, which is totally fine by me. In fact, the pattern in re-acquaintancing with people from the past recently has been one-offs and then nothing. Friendships that used to be really meaningful, Mark in Tucson, and Pasha last year. And others.

Madoka's friendship survives, but it doesn't have to. We'd go on, perhaps just a bit the poorer. But I'm just a bit the poorer for having lost other friendships, and it's alright. Not to be dramatic, but this all changes, this all passes. Life goes on, we die.

In 200 years, our lives and friendships will have moved on to different forms. These forms will be long dead. Who cares if I kill myself? Even if you care, in 200 years will it mean anything? In 200 years, would you still care? Would you forgive it? Either way, in 200 years, I or society won't care what you thought or felt about me killing myself.

But there are people here and now. Why does anyone need me on this planet, here and now? What's the benefit? What's the attachment? Better to understand that these things would pass eventually anyway. If our relationships are substantive, we'll eventually meet again in other lifetimes.

I might kill myself or I might not, but if I don't, I want to know that even if I did, these people wouldn't have been attached to this form of me. Just as my past friendships and loves who have fallen out of my life wouldn't be attached to this form of me.

I'm sorry, but when I die, I want (not quite expect) people to be happy for me, if not themselves. Like in that Star Trek episode when they think Geordi and Ensign Ro are dead, and Data, who has no emotional experience of "friends" dying or mourning, is entrusted to prepare the memorial. He makes it into a total party because he concludes that's the best way to memorialize a "loved one"!! That ruled!