I didn't make it out to morning sitting this morning.

At 4:28, I woke up from a dream that I clearly remembered. It was an Amina dream, a good one. A happy one. In the dream, what actually happened in real life may or may not have happened, but it looked like we were going to be friends again.

At 4:55 my alarm went off.

At 4:59, usually the time I'd be finishing putting on clothes to be able to get out of the apartment by 5:05-5:07, I decided I wasn't going, and went back to sleep.

At 6:37, I woke up and thought that sitting would be ending, and we'd be heading up to the Buddha Hall for the student talk. I got out of bed, and instead of home sitting, or going to the bathroom, or making coffee, I put on the "End of Evangelion" DVD to watch it with the commentary track to see if I'd like it any better than when I watched it yesterday. I did.

At 8:43, I began first sitting, and realized that the reason I wasn't able to get out for morning sitting was because of the dream. Even a happy Amina dream sends the echoes screaming.

In the waking world, what's done is done, and I'm even glad that Amina is no longer in my life. But emotionally, she was the ground zero of what would become a ravaged wasteland. And subconsciously, I wouldn't deny that I'm still devastated. It's a landscape I would explore if I knew how to.