Not sure what's going on inside me, but it can't be good. Something creeping like a worm. A growing despair, isolation, hopelessness. But it's not an emotion, it's not like an emotion. It's a vibration. Everything is wrong. This is all wrong. My hands melt into the keyboard.

Everything's getting surreal again. Everything's getting "not me" again. This isn't my life. These people aren't people in my life. Vibrations reaching a critical frequency, and again, who's there? You?

Even this I know I don't consider real. It's part of the conditions that make up all aspects of my being, including my environment. I was perfectly "fine" by normative definitions until now. At the monastery, at my parents' house, even for the most part of this term here in Taipei. And I will be "fine" by my own definitions soon well enough.

This artificial stress has scraped off what was hiding what is lying underneath. In the course of my life, I'm really alone now. Just from my age and experience that comes along with age, I don't fit in with the people around me. They're not my people, they can't be. Even though just last week, no one even questioned that I wasn't past 30. Good lord.

Strange life. It's not mine. I don't recognize it anymore. I don't recognize me, or me in it. And putting it this way makes it sound like a good thing. Well, to me, at least. It doesn't feel very good.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Rude Mood (Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble)
2. Lilywhite Lilith (Genesis)
3. The Story of Lucy and Jessie ("Follies" - Sondheim)
4. If Not For You (George Harrison)
5. Skylines (764-HERO)
6. Meditation (Meditacao) (Laurindo Almeida and the Bossa Nova All-Stars)
7. Exodus (live) (Bob Marley & the Wailers)
8. I'm the Man Who Murdered Love (XTC)
9. Afraid (David Bowie)
10. Slainthe Mhaith (Marillion)