These weeks have been hard. I don't even know what to say about them. The usual looming existential things, I suppose. The many layers of "what's the point?", and "what do I think I'm doing?". No answers, naturally.

The language studies go poorly. After this term ends at the end of this month, I'm going to switch from the 3 hour intensive course to the 2 hour regular course, because I just can't handle the intensive course. At least Jack Nicholson isn't telling me I can't handle it :p

Rounding out the last weeks of this term, things went into flux. Stress built, but it was an opportunity to check my practice. Watching my habits, desires, and attachments, watching other people's habits, desires, and attachments, but knowing that my practice encourages me to not be a slave to my habits, desires, and attachments.

Cultivating my mind to be flexible, to not be ruled by my ego, loosening attachments and aversions. And be happy about it.

I watched my mind as I decided to not continue in the same intensive class as my classmates. I felt the desire, I felt the attachment, but I knew it wasn't real. It didn't matter if I continued with them or not. Continuing with them looked attractive, it looked comfortable, but I knew it wasn't right for me. I knew it wasn't right for me, but I still was thinking about it. That, I watched.

I watched my mind as I let myself put myself into situations that I wasn't happy with, but felt good about not being attached to aversions. I watched my mind working, feeling I don't belong in the material living world. Why am I acting on an impulsive 'now', when I know in a month, it wouldn't matter if I pushed for what my ego and desire wanted, which might have caused discomfort and stress.

I pushed the words "compassion" and "wisdom" to the front of my head as ideals to guide my decisions and attitude.

No, I'm not attached to these classmates. I can let go of them without attachment or remorse. No, I'm not adverse to working with people I have no reason to believe working with will go smoothly. Everything will turn out in the end, and anyway, in any number of situations, these people might be my lifeline, my friends.

8:03 p.m. - stacks in Shida main library

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Battle For My Life (Sweet Honey in the Rock)
2. The Brazilian (Genesis)
3. Pseudo Silk Kimono (live) (Marillion)
4. Rainy Season (Seam)
5. We Are the Dead (David Bowie)
6. Justify My Love (Madonna)
7. Fat Bottomed Girls (Queen)
8. Nobody Home (Pink Floyd)
9. Lola (live) (The Kinks)
10. Flotsam and Jetsam (Peter Gabriel)