One more week of class. Language class.

One more week of language class, and I'm in full-tilt stress. The balance between experiencing the stress and watching the mind going through stress is tipping. Guess which way. Fuck watching the stress. The stress is in danger of being perceived as real and actual. I am experiencing the stress, I'm stressed, the stress is me, I'm no longer observing, but experiencing life, getting caught up in it. That's not my role. That's not what I've learned.

A lifetime of negative habit energy looms like a tsunami. Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Have I learned nothing? I'm even willing to take this negative habit energy with me for another time around, with no guarantee that I will have the tools and opportunity to transform it the way I do in this life.

Frustration. Impotence. Incompetence. Helplessness. Inability. OK, I'm still watching. But I feel the negative habit energy in the fiber of my being, telling me to give up, telling me I can't do this, telling me to pack it up and head back to the monastery and ordain already. Give it all up, let it go. Isn't that what it's all about anyway?

I can't do this. I can't do this alone. Alone. What was I thinking about living a hermit-like ideal? I don't have the raw ability to survive on my own in any situation. Just submit to the monastic community, at least they're there. They are always there for support.

No, that is still all wrong. It's a different kind of stress stoking the negative habit energy. I'll still have to deal with it there. Where to turn? Who's there? Wow. It suddenly got really quiet in here.