Eva and Tako are both good and fine, but the co-worker who has me under her spell is Amber.

Amber seems to have no interest in anyone, keeps to herself, and seems like she doesn't want anyone prying or thinking about her. She might even be offended by this assessment of her; that I even considered her without her knowing. She may be more of a porcupine than me. Outwardly, my porcupinity doesn't show.

But when she's around I have trouble keeping my eyes off her. To me, she's cuter than any button. When she comes to me with a question, I feel honored. When she sits next to me I'm inebriated, I melt. And I'm happy that she's a porcupine and with the arms distances we both keep all other people, there is nothing to consider, nothing to be mistaken.

But Tako drew a caricature of me as a night-owl, and it was sweet and I stuck it on my keyboard because it was sweet and cute; no one has done anything like that to me in a long time, brought out the schoolboy in me.

But Amber was there when someone pointed it out and asked about it, and to me it was nothing special, just a sweet gesture, and I said yea, Tako drew it. I had wondered if it was supposed to be me, but realized it was when what I thought may have been chopsticks were more likely definitely drumsticks.

I wondered if I was crazy to think I noticed an extremely subtle reaction in Amber. Had she noticed that she has an effect on me. Was she thinking what was this other person doing trying to have meaning to me, when clearly I am only interested in Amber?

I shake my head and laugh. It's Autumn, the Summer heat has broken. Autumn means Winter. Winter whispers "not a chance" to me. And if nothing what I'm planning pans out, I've decided on my end date for staying in Taiwan anyway.

I will not stay in Taiwan for more than 5 years. I was in San Francisco for 11 years, and to think I'd languish in Taipei for even half of my San Francisco sojourn is unthinkable. It also helps that with that end date, I'm more than halfway through. So if I'm still around, I will not stay in Taiwan beyond February 2011.

Eva was on copy editing shift with me tonight. She's a writer, but her English is good enough and she was willing to learn the copy editing responsibilities and take some shifts that we've decided to use her maybe once a week. Towards the end of the shift, when the pages were sent but we were still looking for any mistakes, I was caught between a glass door, a computer and Eva. She was standing close and I realized I couldn't remember the last time someone stood so close to me for a protracted amount of time.

I still fear physical intimacy and my realization that I probably couldn't resist it. I was distracted. I felt Eva's presence there like a magnet. She was close enough that I should've been able to smell her, but I couldn't.

I can breathe Amber in like an elixir whenever she's close.

There's this reality there, surrounding me, that I don't want. But telling myself I don't want a piece of candy a thousand times isn't going to stop me from reaching out for it in the candy store.