Now I'm realizing that's just not me.
I still do the meditations of just being satisfied, just being happy, and not let the niggling negative thoughts get the better of me, distress me, but something's been amplifying them. Probably me.
Work is getting unbearable. I go to work and I just want to die. I hate myself, I hate my life. Riding to work is madness in my head and riding home from work is serious decompression. The positive and negative sides of my personality in serious battle.
I don't know if I'm the only person at work under this kind of stress. I aim to put out newspapers with no facial errors. And the management still annoys me with nitpicking that makes me want to punch them in the nose. Why am I working there? This newspaper obviously doesn't have the wisdom or the resources to be the quality newspaper they think they are.
On days I don't work, I notice numerous things that I wouldn't have let pass. Why am I doing this to myself? Probably because when I leave, I want someone to notice it. But who am I kidding? No one's going to notice it.
And still I tell myself that this can't last much longer. From the usual mental distress to what should be fact that my liver can't last much longer, emphasized by more frequent lower back aches.
And the only thing that makes me happy is keeping death right in front of my face and realizing life is too worthwhile and beautiful to go through it distressed.
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| 3:38 p.m. - Photostitch of Maishuai Bridge #1 and Rainbow Bridge over the Keelung River. |
